August 21, 2025                                                        

Who is a Survivor?

Suicide is a very complex phenomenon which impacts everyone who is closely associated with the one who dies. Loved ones left behind are referred to as ‘Survivors’- could be Parents, Spouse, Children, Siblings, Grandparents, Friends, Classmates or others connected in one way or another. Death by suicide often hits like a thunderbolt out of nowhere, throwing the loved ones off guard. Days, weeks and sometimes months following the death of a person by suicide, the survivors are hounded by intrusive thoughts trying to make sense of why the person made the decision to end their life. Even when there is a death note present, there are many unanswered questions the survivors are left to grapple with. It is said that the person who dies by suicide dies once but those connected to them die every day as the pain experienced by the person who died doesn’t go away, it is transferred to loved ones.

“I don’t know why I didn’t see it coming. There were clear warning signs” laments Mrs. Upadhyaya, who lost her son to suicide. The fact that her son was battling a psychiatric illness and was on medication for five years does not help reduce her guilt. Like Mrs. Upadhyaya some may hold themselves responsible or may harbour guilt for not having been able to prevent the death.

Those who died by suicide have gone, no doubt, leaving a trail of pleasant and unpleasant memories behind but the loved ones have to learn to live without them. In this write-up, an attempt is made to shed some light on what the loved ones go through and how those who are connected to them can help them heal.

• People often feel that they should try and divert the attention of those left behind and humour them. It is important to mourn the loss and sometimes, leaving them alone to make sense of their muddled thoughts and jumbled emotions is helpful in coming to terms with the reality. Try not be overbearing or pushy. Strong social support network is helpful in grief but well-meaning friends and family need to refrain from stifling them with their unsolicited advice. 

• Researching the cause of death is not going to make the dead person come back to life. Do not unnecessarily delve into what could have been the reason for the tragic death. Often there are many contributing factors and it is better to avoid false attributions and jumping to premature conclusions. 

• Avoid Cliché’s

-          ‘You are very strong,’ ‘Time will heal your pain’, ‘He’s at peace now’, ‘You need to move on’, ‘You have other children’ are some commonly used cliché’s which hardly comfort the person and may leave them feeling isolated or misunderstood.

-          Do not say “I know how you feel.” There’s no way you can fathom the depth of the pain and distress they experience every day.If you do not know what to say to a person who has had a loved one die by suicide, don’t say anything. It is much better than saying the wrong thing! Be honest and admit that you have no idea what they are going through.

-          “You should remarry and move on” - It is premature to suggest marriage when a person has lost a spouse to suicide. Healing takes time and it is important to wait until they are ready. This is true for someone who was in a long-term relationship as well. Recuperation from a loss by suicide takes time and getting into another relationship too early could spell disaster. 

• There’s a hush that surrounds suicide which makes matters worse and because of the stigma attached to death by suicide, loved ones struggle with the expression of sadness and loss. The pain is more if they are the first ones to discover the dead body. The gory image stays with them for a long time sometimes causing sleep disturbance.

The loved ones left behind may be struggling with a gamut of emotions- fear, anger, guilt, shame, sadness. The anger is because the person has put them through pain. As Mrs. Shetty puts it, “there are good days and bad days, sometimes it just hits you like a thunderbolt, you see. She’s gone…my only child…The fact that I will never be able to see her again or touch her or hear her words just sends chills down my spine.” It is true that the emotions are intense and it is impossible to be prepared for the sudden surges of gloom and despair.

-          Do not be shocked by the intensity of the emotions which is nothing short of a roller-coaster ride. What the loved-ones need is compassion and validation. Validation that what they are feeling is okay given what they have gone through and that they are not crazy to feel that way.

How can you help someone who has lost a loved one to suicide?

• Offer a safe and supportive environment and listen without judgement.

Give them a chance to tell their story over and over again. Be patient. Repeating the story, reliving the memories is part of the healing process. Some amount of awkwardness or uneasiness is understandable but it should not prevent you from talking to them or spending quality time with them. Remember, “How are you doing? Is there something I can help you with? Just know that I’m here if you need to talk.” are good conversation starters.

• Do not say ‘he/she committed’ suicide. Suicide has been decriminalized years ago and is not a crime. ‘Died by suicide’ is more appropriate.
• Do not avoid the person or the subject of suicide. Mr. Sebastian, whose wife died by suicide 2 years ago felt isolated at the bank. His colleagues, who would be talking to each other and joking around would suddenly stop and disperse as he walked in. “This uneasiness created a barrier between us and I did not feel comfortable around any of them. They were not there when I needed them the most.” he painfully recounts.  
• Do not label the person who died by suicide saying they were weak, selfish, coward, brave, etc. We do not know what was going on in their minds right before they made a decision to die. Branding them makes it more difficult and painful for the family while they are still struggling to make sense of the death.
• Try and help attend to the things that might get left behind during this difficult period. For example, helping to look after children, run an errand, or cook a meal occasionally goes a long way. Actions often speak louder than words- when you take time off your busy schedule to bake a tray of cupcakes and take them to someone who is grieving shows you truly care.

If you are a survivor….

• Suicide survivors often face unique challenges compared to those who are grieving other types of death. Despite efforts to sensitize the community about suicide, death by suicide has stigma attached to it which makes bereavement complicated. Everyone grieves differently and there is no right way or wrong way to grieve. There is no time limit.
• Healing doesn’t often happen in a straight line. Some days will be better than others, even years after suicide and that is perfectly okay.
• Consider a support group for families affected by suicide. Sharing your story with others who are experiencing the same type of pain might help you find a sense of peace and strength.

Remember, you don’t have to suffer in silence. If you need assistance, please message us on 72048 21244 or email us at lifelineconnect25@gmail.com

(A Suicide Lifeline Initiative)