Infidelity and Crumbling Relationships...

May 9, 2010

Infidelity, unfaithfulness or disloyalty among couples is increasing day by day. Not long ago marriage was the bedrock, the very foundation of love, respect, togetherness, selflessness, patience, forgiveness, adjustments and sacrifice.  Marriage was the edifice on which family values were formed. As the joint family system disintegrated to make way for nuclear families, there has been a spurt in what can be called as disloyalty and extramarital affairs as couples began to seek from outside relationship what they could not get from the sanctity of marriage.

Why is this trend becoming a commonplace in our country where we value traditions, culture, relationships and family values? Is it today’s culture or the changed attitudes towards life has contributed to the unhappiness and discontent in our lives?  We expect our partners to cater to all our needs. If they don’t, we blame them for our unhappiness and all that goes wrong in the relationship. Sense of commitment to the marriage is lost when we focus only on our own needs. For a marriage to work what we need is commitment and trust.  Once that is achieved, we learn the hard way of negotiating, adjusting and even accepting each other’s strengths and weaknesses and learn to live with that.

In today’s world the most common cause for infidelity is lack of attention couples are able to devote to each other. If someone starts to feel as if he/she is not appreciated in a relationship, he/she will go elsewhere to fill the vacuum being felt in a relationship.   As long you make your partner feel that he/she is the top most priority in your life, everything would look and feel wonderful. When you find yourself paying more attention to your career and social life, your partner feels neglected. Having an affair with a new partner who pays them more attention compensates what one lacks in the relationship at home. Some people cheat because they think or know their partner has cheated on them and want to have a tit for a tat. This could be largely due to the suspicion on the partner, lack of trust in a relationship or knowledge. One more cause can be that the person wants the relationship to end and but didn't know how to go about it. Instead of sorting out the problems with a cool mind one of them chooses to be the villain so that they can easily break away from the relationship. 

The only feasible solution from this stalemate is to appreciate your respective partners and not just take them for granted.  Be content with what you get rather than aspiring for the moon.  Be thankful and happy and don’t look for opportunities expecting something better always.  Listen and understand and care for each other’s needs.  Try to bring out the best in each other rather than pointing out the negative aspects.  Be supportive and learn to appreciate rather than always finding fault with your partners.  With the initial enthusiasm and passion in a relationship diminishing with the passage of time what helps strengthen the relationship is the respect the couple has for each other and the quality to forgive and forget. 

Stay committed to the vows made to stay faithful and true. Having a contented relationships is the result of hard work. Such relationships need our time and attention. A very famous philosopher said "Trouble is a part of your life, and if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you enough chance to love you enough”.

Pearl D'Silva - Archives:

by Pearl D'Silva - Bangalore
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Comment on this article

  • Joice D'Souza, Mangalore/Bahrain

    Sun, Jun 27 2010

    Hi Pearl - Very Very nice article, keep writing more and more, God bless you, keep it up!

  • Roshan Braganza, Garden of Eden

    Fri, May 14 2010

    ........nice article , this is bound to happen and will increase over the coming years. I will not be too surprised the word like 'marriage' will vanish from dictionary ', thanx to upcoming parallel institutions like 'live in '

    Forget the equal parnership , now a dayz female partner ( spouse) has more rights llegally , socially , thanx to some feminazis. Male finds no where else confused and shocked. May be we need male empowerment over the coming years.

  • ali, India

    Fri, May 14 2010

    Very good article and very important subject to discuss in the changing current scenario.

  • Anoop Rai, New Delhi

    Thu, May 13 2010

    Nice article Pearl ... Keep it up..


    Wed, May 12 2010



  • Donald, Udupi/bangalore

    Tue, May 11 2010

    Reading the article here doesn't mean that the relationship will prosper forever. There should be true commitment and forgiveness among the couple. They should realize the impact of one small error in relationship can depart them forever.
    No one can clap with the help of one hand. In other words, if one person keep quiet instead of arguing for a minor issue, it will lead the fight for a greater extent and ultimately people will forget the base reason for fight and end up with total misunderstanding. So i suggest silence is the best medicine to eliminate any kind of fights in relationships.
    By the way thanks Pearl for your Great article.

  • zacs18, Kudroli

    Tue, May 11 2010

    Very Nice!

    Keep writing such wonderful artcile.

    I got few friends who say "WIFE is their LIFE" Indeed they are very happy. For them love, respect, togetherness, selflessness, patience, forgiveness, adjustments and sacrifice all these are just a byproduct which is by deault taken care.I think this should be the mantra for both husband & wife.

    Cheers Pearl! Keep wiritng such excellent article.

  • Divya Mohan, Bangalore-M.P

    Tue, May 11 2010

    Excellent article Pearl!...good for todays generation..keep the good work going...hope more to come from you :-)...

  • Manju , Mysore

    Tue, May 11 2010

    Hey pearl,
    Its superb re, such a nice article,
    u rock in bottom of statement "Having a contented relationships is the result of hard work" keep it up pearl )

  • sasthi, Bangalore

    Tue, May 11 2010

    Well done Pearl.
    Nuclear family probably one of the major reason for this pitfalls.Committed touch of elders are quite essential.Busy life for couples perhaps creating distance and you have completely visualized this in your article.

  • Lancy M Fernandes, Jeppu/Pune

    Tue, May 11 2010

    Hi Pearl, well done job. you seem to echo well the worry of this generation. Keep speaking boldly about such issues of the heart. You will be an answer or atleat an inspiration to the couples of today

  • Agnello, Goa / Dubai

    Tue, May 11 2010

    This was a good article indeed an eye opener to the modern world which is so different to that compared to our grandparents and parents. Trust, love, faith and patience does not have any more human values. Everything seems to be so artificial and materialistic. Thanks Pearl for your article which will surely convey a good message to most of us.

  • Shilpa, Bangalore

    Tue, May 11 2010

    Excellent one Pearl.I totally agree "Trouble is a part of your life, and if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you enough chance to love you enough".This could save many of the broken marriages today.All the best

  • Smitha, Mangalore

    Tue, May 11 2010

    Nice article Pearl...... looking forward for more articles ....

  • Prashant Gomes, mangalore/mumbai

    Mon, May 10 2010

    Very good write up Miss Pearl. Keep writing

  • Inthu, Basrur/UAE

    Mon, May 10 2010

    Nice article.. keep writing...

  • den, kinnigoli

    Mon, May 10 2010

    Nice article keepit up all best.

  • Nadeem Hameed, karkala/Dubai

    Mon, May 10 2010

    I agree with Mr Pradeep 100%

  • Agnello, Mangalore/Muscat

    Mon, May 10 2010

    Marriage they say is an institution and that is whole reason for its failure.An institution, to be successful requires hardwork,discipline etc and also opportunity and good deal of luck.Marriage too requires hardwork, faith, forgiveness, appreciation etc. Many institutions fail, much more rot within and so does marriage.In present day its obvious than in past, then they used put up with it thats all.Divorce should not be the benchmark of marriage.Its happiness in a marriage.Nobbody should stay in an abusive marriage.Women(mostly) used to.
    Pearl, with all the ingredients for a happy marriage discussed in your article, you haven't given importance to love.Love for each other overcomes a lot and in a marriage..But then love is more of an illusion than truth. If true love is discovered you may not need a wedding bond to keep you together

  • alwyn nazareth, bajpe. jubail/k.s.a

    Mon, May 10 2010

    I'm sure you'll climb the ladder of success,please keep writing....,Pearl.

  • Valerian Fernandes, Udupi/Sharjah

    Mon, May 10 2010

    Very nice & interesting article. Keep it up.

  • M.Bhat, Mumbai

    Mon, May 10 2010

    The famous adage - Marriages are made in heaven and suferred on earth. This true in this modern era. Education, financial independence, equal status and ego has made ladies equally demanding and arrogant. Anyway your write well Ms.Pearl. keep writing.

  • Gurpreet, Ludhiana

    Mon, May 10 2010

    I was amazed that today's youth can even write with so much of maturity level...Good 1 Pearl...Keep writing....All d v best...Moderators - Do encourage these peoples we have lots f hidden talent that we need to bring in front f this world.... Hats f to all f the writers here...

  • Pradeep, Mangalore

    Mon, May 10 2010

    Marriages were same before and to a large extent now..! Only the rules of the game has changed. We have more infidelity, adulterous relationship amongst partners', cuz both men n women have become impatient and uncompromising. Also, with plethora of options available for both,coupled with economic independence and a set of predispositions on marriage, it is only going to be a skeleton institution (god forbid). Men, as is traditionally, are.. what can I say? Still the same! But, rest assured, women are the pillars of a long lasting and harmonious marriage. I'm not saying that they should suffer in an acrimonious relationship, but they and only they can keep a relationship alive and last. Adding a seed in the society with legitimacy.

  • rohith martis, mani, m'lore-b'lore

    Mon, May 10 2010

    very nice article...... hats of thanks to you dear Pearl to sharing such a article.....

  • Ronald, Mangalore

    Mon, May 10 2010

    Well written. Now a days keeping the marriage alive has become very difficult (for mangaloreans at least). Pearl has made some suggestions. I don't think it is easy to follow becuase of ego problems between the partners. Men have more ego. Earlier days women would tollerate this but in this generation this does not work. Men should control their ego and at the same time women should support men. Trust and understanding and love between the partners is very importent.

  • Nancy lobo, Mangalore

    Mon, May 10 2010

    Pearl D'silva is really a nice writer.Everytime she amazes us with her good articles.Thanks to daijiworld for giving a base for such writers.

  • Gautam, Bangalore

    Mon, May 10 2010

    Nice article Pearl!!   with more & more girls having financial independece which inturn helps any nation to increase its productivity. Changes to institution of maariage is natural. hopefully new value system would develop incorporating the good of our ancient values at the same time discarding the ills. But yes in todays world both genders for the first time in history share equal responsibility for making marriage work.

  • Sanjeeth Veigas, mangalore

    Mon, May 10 2010

    Nice article.. i believe people are myopic nowadays... any relationship takes time and effort to establish...

  • Kishore G, Andhra Pradesh

    Mon, May 10 2010

    Good article Ms.Pearl have put your observation on this matter very well.Hope this saves many marriages.


    Mon, May 10 2010


  • Jude Pinto, Mangalore

    Mon, May 10 2010

    Hi Pearl,

    Nice article, I love to read your articles as it conveys the message very well in a nut shell... The various comments itself speaks the worth of it.... Please IGNORE the critics who try to pull you down, and keep writing.

    Jude Pinto

  • sukhi, bangalore

    Mon, May 10 2010

    Pearl,Very well quoted....The best part is "Be content with what you get rather than aspiring for the moon".

    Keep writing....

  • Janet D'souza, Mangalore/Abu Dhabi

    Mon, May 10 2010

    A short film called "fireproof" may come in handy for the couples who have adjustment problem.

  • Nirmala D'mello, Valencia/Bahrain

    Mon, May 10 2010

    Hey Pearly!
    Very nice aritcile, keep it up!

  • Janet D'souza, Mangalore/Abu Dhabi

    Mon, May 10 2010

    The writer says 'long ago the marriage was the bedrock'. Surely it was a bedrock as long as one of the partners suffered silently. (I don't mean all the marriages here). Was it just an assumption that all the marriages, long ago, were happy marriages? Some could have been marriages of convenience as is the case today! Has the writer done any study on the subject? A chit -chat with older couples would have enlightened her better. In those days, women had no education, no financial independence and so no say in any of the matters. Women suffered silently. I say this because this is my passionate subject too and I have spoken to many older ladies. They had no voice whatsoever whether ion of their husbands or whatsoever. And who says there was no infidelity in those times? It was very much present at that time as it is at this present time. Nevertheless, I congratulate the writer on her observation.

    God was no fool when He made the husband,the head of the family. Woman was made from the rib of the man to be equal to him and not from the foot to be trampled upon or from the head to be bossed over. Only when the couple realizes this fact, can they live in harmony. As Joe Gonsalves rightly said, Love and Trust are the key words.

  • Anand Nagpal, Bangalore

    Sun, May 09 2010

    Very nice article Pearl D'Silva.I follow all your special articles and indeed they are very nice.

  • Brian Lobo, Mangalore/Bangalore

    Sun, May 09 2010

    Excellent article pain.By reading this article many couples can try and save their married life.Keep writing.

  • geoffrey, hathill

    Sun, May 09 2010

    No pain no gain

  • A.S.Mathew, U.S.A.

    Sun, May 09 2010

    Excellent article of great priority of these dangerous times.

    When it hits our home, then only we will understand the pain of the issue.

  • geoffrey, hathill

    Sun, May 09 2010

    This issue is as old and stale as the adage 'the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence'.

  • Veena Lobo, mangalore

    Sun, May 09 2010

    Very nice article.I follow all your articles with much interest.Great writer indeed.

  • Ajay N D'souza, Manipal/Udupi

    Sun, May 09 2010

    Thanks Pearl D'silva for your wounderful Article..This Article will help everyone to Know About the relationships Infidelity and Crumbling.....We expect much more from You in Future...Keep Going...

  • shafi, mangalore

    Sun, May 09 2010

    We should also put some effort in post break up balancing the life.
    The individuals shouldn't consider each other enimies instead have a friendly relationship with each other. Also we need to have shared responsibility towards kids for whome parenting is important. These are my personal openions,shouldn't hurt any one.

  • anna d, mangalore

    Sun, May 09 2010

    interesting subject to debate (Healthy i mean)

  • nirmala Danthi, Abu Dhabi

    Sun, May 09 2010 is in my favourite list, because of its variety of article selection. I read all special articles with great interest, Pearl is one of my favourite writer in this forum. Thanks Daijiworld

  • Bulsam, Mangalore

    Sun, May 09 2010

    Selfish nuclear family and materialistic life is the main reason for disintegration in family value. The couple loses respect for one another because there are no elders in the house to guide them. There is neither visiting relatives/guests nor calling relatives/guests to the home instead they are called to a restaurant at a particular time, order food, eat the ordered food and disperse without any love attached or big interaction.
    In such relations the couples are bored of one another as both end-up making/ordering their own food, watching their own TV channels and living a separate life in their house. Slowly they learn and agree to disagree. This is the time when frustration creeps in and one or both of them look for inner peace, love/caring and some one to talk and make them feel good. During such situation they lose their self control and go astray.

  • Khalil, Bhatkal/Dubai

    Sun, May 09 2010

    Though in breif she tried to explain some of the reasons and the solutions.Long ago I had watched a Pearl Padamsay movie KHATTA MEETA, those who have trouble adjusting their married life should watch this movie. Modern education, hitech life, undue materialism,greed economic rivalry, abused childhood, both parents working , call centre jobs, wives drawing more than the hubbies, i.e. economic freedom, lack of respect for each other, lack of religous and moral values, suspicion, western culture, migration especially to gulf, appreciating others wives in front of their own wives lack of knowledge of simple psychology , role of inlaws mostly the mothers in law, personal habits , justifying the wrong,too much freedom or tooless freedom,gossip,backbiting,jealousy,partying, unworthy socialising,liqour,media, massmedia, multy media, stress, finding weaknesses of each partners, rumours, affuelency, unholy working atmosphere in the corporate offices, these are some of the reasons for the infidelity, infact, LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO BE SMALL.

  • Anil Dsouza, Halealve/Cardiff

    Sun, May 09 2010

    Hey Pearl,
    A wonderful responsible article.Yeah of course, i ve heard Mangalorean couples are up there with highest divorce rates.

    Keep writing ..

  • Stephen Menezrs, Shirthady/Dubai

    Sun, May 09 2010

    (Ecclesiastes 4:12) Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken. Between husband and wife the third cord is God, we must ensure that God is always part of everything in our marital relationship, seek His counsel first, then your boat will sail safe.

  • Shreyaprasad Hegde, M'lore

    Sat, May 08 2010

    Pearl D'silva, Nice article keepit up.

  • Joe Gonsalves, Mangalore - U.S.A.

    Sat, May 08 2010

    I have read with great interest Pearl D'Silva"s comments on marriage and relationship. Indeed it is sad to see so many marriages breaking today which otherwise could have been saved with a little understanding on both sides. In a majority of cases marriages break because of misconceived notions about each other. It is therefore pertinent to suggest that before a BREAK UP both the partners should decide on a dialog and clearly spell out what they have in mind.

    It would would be revealing when they discover that all the chaos is caused by misconceived notions. It is therefore expedient that the Passwords HATRED be changed into LOVE and SUSPICION be changed into TRUST.

    Humbly submitted by Joe Gonsalves.

    Note: Joe and Irene have just celebrated their diamond wedding.

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