June 1, 2011

HE:

I wait everyday till 8 in the office even if there is no work. All of my teammates ask me why; how can I tell them that I don't wait for any personal or official work but the only reason why I wait is the 'secretary' - a girl in my 8 pm bus.

'Secretary' is not her real name, it's sort of a code name given to her by me and my friends. Truly speaking, I like her. She might not be one of those who look like Aishwarya Rai or Preitty Zinta, but she is cute and simple and that's the reason I like her. For the past 6 months I have been staring at her in the bus, while going to office and coming back. When I get into bus, somehow my eyes search the whole bus just to have a glimpse of her. I never had a girlfriend till now, not that I don't like to be friends with girls but somehow they usually prefer tall-dark-handsome qualities in their boyfriends, of which I possess none. I don't want to jump to any relationship like this with the secretary but at least just a friendship, is it possible? I want to talk to her. I know her name, for I had seen her ID card one day. But I don't have the guts to talk to her. I don't even know whether she knows me. I know, no one can help me here; no one other than myself, but I simply have no guts. At least someone, probably a common friend, might at least formally introduce us to each other.

SHE:

There is this guy in my office bus. His name is Niranjan. I think he likes me, for me and even my friends have observed him many times staring at me. When he gets into the bus, rather than searching for an empty seat, his eyes search the whole bus for me. Don't know why but I kind of like it. Sometimes the feeling of knowing that someone loves you is far better than actually loving somebody. I didn't have any affair till today, not that I didn't like or love anyone, there was a guy in my college, whom I liked a lot but somehow he stayed away from me, not that he didn't like me but probably because I am not that beautiful and he wanted someone much better than me. This guy, Niru, that's what his friends call him, I had heard it once in the bus; he seems to be interested in me, not sure about love as such but friendship might not be bad. At least the guy seems to be a decent one. I would like to be his friend, but how can I? After all he is the boy, he should take the first step, not me.

HE:

My roommate told me to approach her and introduce myself. It's not that easy; this is not a college. What if she complains about this to higher authorities? No, I can't take this risk. Someone else better introduce her to me. God, can you help me please?

SHE:

My cousin told me to him some hint that I am okay with his friendship. I think he is afraid to come forward. I'll give him a good friendly smile tomorrow, when he gets into the bus. I hope he understands and decrypts my signal. God, can you please help him?
 

GOD:

Now should I come into this picture? Both these human beings are acting as if they are in a big problem. Although not for me, I had made life so simple for you, just added a bit of emotions there and see how complex you have made it. Now that I am the god, you must have been expecting me to intervene and do some miracle, but no, I won't interfere here. I have created this world with some fixed rules and everything is just working as per that. Why should I interfere and break my own rules thereby disrupting the balance of this whole system?

HE:

Today when I got into the bus and looked at her, she returned a cute smile. Was she serious? I don't know; probably she must have told her friends about me and they must have been making fun of me and that's why when I got into the bus she started laughing and I misunderstood it for smiling. Damn, her friends must be having fun discussing things about me.

SHE:
 
Today when he got into the bus, I smiled at him. But he seemed to be more puzzled than pleased. Is he really interested in a friendship with me or not? I really don't know. Why am I thinking so much about him? Have I started liking him? Please god, please let that guy be a decent one. My sixth sense says he is a decent guy. I think he must have got puzzled because of the smile I gave him. It wasn't my fault, for I showed him that I am interested in friendship. Now the ball lies in his court. Will he dare to talk first?
 
 
HE:

I am damn confused. I don't know what to do. Every day everyone around me is bombarding me with some tactics to approach her but nothing seems to suit me well. My roommates even started taunting me that I can't have a girlfriend or at least the guts to approach the gal. I am leaving it on luck. 

Next Day 
 
SHE:

Today was a holiday. So I couldnt see him, although I wanted to. I actually wanted to apologize for whatever happened yesterday. I got into the bus and searched for a seat. He was sitting alone on the seat for 3, it was a good chance for me to sit with him and have a word or two. I was just thrilled. I was about to sit on the same seat when Kruti said, "See, Raghav is there, he has reserved seats for us." I just hate that Raghav; he is always ready to flirt with any girl. I hate the guy and try to avoid him as much as I can. I dont know why Kruti likes him so much. Anyway, I went to the seat that Raghav had reserved specially for us. I felt really bad for Niru, but if I would have denied Raghav's offer and would have sat on Nirus seat, it would have just been too obvious. He must have felt embarrassed, poor guy.

Date: Feb 24
 
SHE:

Today he seemed to have been lost in thoughts. When he got into the bus, surprisingly he didn't search for me. He even didn’t look up. He just went straight to the last seat and started reading a novel. I tried looking at him once or twice but he didn’t lift his head at all. I think he is hurt, I am feeling sorry, but what can I do? When we got down at the office gate, I purposely lingered a bit more at the gates to give him a smile, but I couldn’t spot him in the crowd.

Date: Jan 28

SHE:

Today I saw him in the food court. He was there with two girls and was chatting, laughing and cracking jokes. He seemed to enjoy their company. Is he also a typical boy who just wants to have as many girls around him as possible? Is he a typical flirt? Probably the two girls were just good friends of him. At least I hope so. Please god, please let those be his sisters or just friends, nothing else.

Date: Feb 3

HE:

Since that evening, I have stopped staring at her. I don’t know but some inner voice is telling me to keep away. I am not a beggar to be treated like this. She is beautiful, indeed, but that doesn’t mean she can insult me like that. But I can’t stay like this. I just like her and want to be with her. She has committed a mistake, but wasn’t that a bit natural? She doesn’t like me and doesn’t want to encourage my feelings about her. Simple, isn’t it? That’s it. A complete halt for my feelings and my dreams, but I don’t think I can manage not to have even a look at her. Will I be able to do it? Oh God, please listen to me.

GOD:

You don’t remember me when you are happy or content, do you? When there is a problem or a really difficult situation, then you start remembering me or praising me, don’t you? I still won’t interfere here. My world is a complex entity with each and every thing or event properly planned for some specific future as well as past reason. Why should I interfere and break the balance of all these systems myself?

Date: Feb 14

HE:

By the time I am writing this, Valentine’s Day is already over. It doesn’t matter anyway, since nothing unusual has happened today. The day had been like the other 365 days in the year or probably the last 21 Valentine’s days in my life. I was hoping that at least I'll get to catch a glimpse of her but fate didn’t seem to favour me. Due to this night shift, I am even deprived of her glimpses. Today, I lingered a bit at the gates at the usual time to watch her, but she didn’t turn up. I think god wants to signal to me to keep away from her. My insult that day was the first one and now this was the second. Ok god, I got it.

SHE:

Valentine’s day is over but I couldn’t manage to even see him today. I thought today he might come to me and have a talk, but he didn’t. He is not traveling by the usual bus. Did he change home or worst, the company itself? Today all my teammates have gone out with their Valentines and I am alone. That’s why I left the office early and came straight home. If that evening incident hadn't happened, probably today I would not have been alone. I think fate doesn’t want us to be together. Ok god, if this is what is intended for me, I accept it.

Date: Feb 27

HE:

I was working in the night shift for the whole month so had to travel by cab rather than bus. I used to work from 4 pm to 2.30 am so naturally I had lost contact with almost all people working in day shift except for my teammates. The whole month I didn’t travel by bus. Obviously I didn’t see her. She works in the adjacent building, but I don’t know where her cubicle is exactly and anyway, I don’t think I have the guts to approach her. For almost a month I didn’t see her, but I didn’t feel any desperation to see her. I was unbelievably aloof in this case. Was it the effect of that evening incident?

Next Day

HE:
 
Today, the office had planned to screen a movie in the campus. I had seen it but thought of enjoying it with friends in the open air, and so I went. The dialogues were not much audible on the lawns, but it was fun to watch the movie in an open air theatre like that. When I was about to return to my cubicle I saw her standing there just around 10 feet away from me. I don't know why but my heart started beating faster than Schumi's Ferrari. She just smiled at someone in the crowd, tried her best not to look directly at me and just left the place. I stood there for a minute or two just wondering what had happened. Why did she smile? Did she feel good that I am still in the same company only or she didn't even take notice of my presence and really smiled at someone in the crowd? But we were so close that it was practically impossible for her to just ignore me.

SHE:
 
I saw him today, at the movie screening. Thank god he is still working with this company. I thought of smiling at him and greeting him. I was so happy to see him, I wanted to ask him where he was for so many days, Whether he was not well, had he changed his house or was he using bike for transport, but again I didn't ask a single question. I stayed calm. I didn't want to embarrass him again. I don't know what I feel about him, but somehow whenever I see him, I do feel better. I hope he starts traveling by bus again. Everyday we can see each other in the morning.

HE:
 
I resumed my normal duty today. It was good to see all those familiar faces once again after so many days.Of course my eyes were searching only one face. Just like my normal schedule, I got into the bus. She was sitting there with the same plain look on her face, nowhere even a single line of recognition, but when she saw me, her face reflected a small smile. It couldnt escape my notice. Was she happy to see me back in the bus? I dont know about her, but I was definitely happy to see her. Week end is coming ahead, hope it will bring something good in my life.

SHE:
 
I was so happy, I tried my best to conceal my happiness but I felt like getting up from my seat and just sit beside him and talk, talk and just talk to him. Hey what’s this? What’s happening to me? I never felt like this for anyone. Is this just sympathy for that evening thing or is this love? No chance of it. I don’t believe in this love at first sight or so. We dont know each other, we don’t know anything about each other, how can this be love? Probably just infatuation... whatever it may be I love this feeling very much…

Next Day

HE:

Today can be called as the luckiest day of my life. I talked to her face to face for the first time. Nitesh, my friend had some work today and was travelling by our bus and surprisingly he knew her well. They were collegemates during degree. He introduced us formally. Everything in my brain, all my nervousness, and hatred for her, all was just washed away. Now I can talk to her, I hope I can turn this chance to success. Oh god, thanks a lot… Nitesh was just like an angel sent by you.!

SHE:

Thanks a lottt god…. I am so happy. Even he was. I could easily make that out from his face. It was just so bright. He still has feelings for me. Thank god, I thought after that day I kinda lost him, but no. Now we can talk to each other officially. No problem of who is first … we are friends now. God you are great.

NITESH:

Today I had some work so had to travel by office bus. I thought better to go with Niru just for the sake of good company but it didn't seem to be necessary when I saw my best friend from our degree college travelling by the same bus. It was a really pleasant surprise to see her. I think my transfer to Bangalore will result in some good thing. She has become more beautiful than she was in our college days. Damn.. why the hell did I neglect her in college when she had crush on me… I hope she is still single, not even committed or so. When I introduced Niru to her today, somehow her face lit up as if she was eager to have a word or two with him! Since many days, Niru's condition has been no different. Do they have something between them? I hope not. Oh God, thanks a lot, I hope you help me once again to make her mine. Please just keep Niru out of this.

GOD:

If you get only happiness then you don't feel its value, do you? That's why everything is planned in such a way that whenever you get happy you should understand its true value. I haven't done anything special here. It's all just happening as destined.

Date: Mar 6

HE:

I sat beside her today in the bus while returning from office. We were chatting a lot, on no specific topics, but I really enjoyed her company. She is really a cute, simple and sweet girl. She said she will be reserving a seat for me in the morning bus. Let's see whether she really keeps her promise…

Date: Mar 10

HE:

For the last few days, she has been reserving a seat for me in the morning as well  as in the evening bus. We both seem to enjoy each other's company very well. I decided to take a step forward today. I asked her for a cup of coffee in the afternoon. I was a bit depressed about what she might reply but surprisingly, she said yes without thinking even for a moment as if she was actually waiting for such a move from my side. We decided to meet at 4 near the café inside the campus. She didn't turn up. I don't have her cell number so I couldn't call her. It was so embarrassing for me to wait there just alone.

Did she do it purposely? Why? I could think of no sensible reason. If she was having a meeting or some office work, she should have informed me. She didn't call me. Did she do it for to show that she doesn't care for me and prove her importance?

SHE:

Today was a disaster. The servers were down and I was so busy in recovering them, debugging the code that I almost forgot I had my first 'date' with Niru. I suddenly remembered it just before going to a meeting at 2 and I was sure that I could easily finish off with the meeting by 4 and meet Niru, but no. Destiny had some other plans. I had to be in meeting till 5. I even couldn't phone Niru and inform him that I was not coming. By the time I was free from that chaos, it was already 6. He must have left for the day. He was going to Mumbai today, so he must have left early. What can I do? I wanted to meet him and apologize face to face. Mail or phone won't do. I hope we meet on Tuesday. I'll explain everything. He will understand me, hopefully.

Date: Mar 17

HE:

I couldn't see her for the last 3 days. Did she come to office? Isn't she feeling well? I hope she is alright. Oh God, please protect her.

Date: Mar 24

NITESH:

Her father was seriously ill. As a family friend, I helped a lot. She couldn't go to office for a fortnight or so, but I helped her in conveying the matter to her seniors. I think this last week helped me a lot as in building a rapport with her and her parents. Fate has given me a good chance to get closer to her, I think I can progress here.

Date: Mar 25

SHE:

Today I met Niru finally after so many days. I thought he might be still angry about the coffee thing, but to my surprise, he was a bit tensed as to why I was not coming to the office. I explained him that daddy was seriously ill. He enquired about dad's health and then simply changed the subject to turn my attention to somewhere else. He is such a mature guy, I knew he would understand.

Date: Mar 28

SHE:

Niru and I have been going out for a long time now. I have started loving him. I think even he is serious about this relationship but he is younger to me and I don't think he is ready for any commitment at this stage of his life, but mamma and dad are pursuing me for marriage; what should I do? Should I ask him?

Date: Mar 31

SHE:

Niru told me today that he is leaving the company. He has got an admission to MBA in a College in Mumbai. It’s really difficult to be away from him. Should I ask him for a relationship? Will he be ready for that or wait till the completion of his MBA? But I can't wait that much. I think I better ask him straight.

So readers, what do you think? Should she confess her love to him or wait for 2 years? To know the answer, read on.

NITESH:

Today I proposed to her. She didn't show any expression and asked for sometime to think about it, but I know she must have been just too happy for she had a crush on me in our college days. I think she will say 'yes'. But I need to confirm that Niru doesn't come in between. Even her and my parents would not have any problem, in fact they would be happy if she and I get into the most beautiful relationship.

HE:

Today she called me up and asked to meet for a coffee at our usual place, but later suddenly she called up to cancel the meeting. I don't know why. She sounded stressed a bit on phone so I concluded it to be the result of work pressure. But when I saw her in the evening in the bus today, she was off-mood.  She then held my hand. I think she wanted to say something but she was not able to. When my stop came nearer, she released my hand. I asked her whether she was alright. She simply said, 'Yes, just fine'. I tried calling her in the night after dinner, but she didn't pick up. I think she must be stressed because of work and must have slept early. I hope nothing is wrong. Oh god, please take care of her.

SHE:

Today was the most dreadful day for me. Nitesh proposed to me. My mood was off. I loved him in college but he didn't seem to pay any attention to me. At times he literally avoided me. Later somehow I just managed to overcome that feeling. I loved him, but he didn't. There are no conditions in love after all. I tried my best to forget feelings about him, at least suppress them. He never seemed to like me. Then why now?

Have his feelings really changed ? Or he is just playing games with me?

I was going to propose to Niru today. It would have been the most crucial moment of my life and this guy, Nitesh just turned off my mood. Not that I don't like him, but now a couple of years have passed and even Niru is there in my life. Much water has flown down the bridge. I don't know whether I still love him, and I also don't know whether Niru is ready to have a commitment with me. I am just confused.

Oh god, please help me. Show me some way. Why didn't you device any automatic system to solve such problems?

GOD:

Automatic system? Wow!!! All these software engineers think alike. They think just the computerization of every system solves most of the problems. But real life is not so simple. In arithmetic you have 1+1 =2; but in real life you may have 1+1 as anything but 2. That's life. About the automatic system to solve real life problems, I have given you humans one such machine. Some call it heart, some mind or some just brain. I gave you the ability to think. You can take decisions based on your prior experience, your conscience and you can very easily use it to make decisions and I am sure even she will find out a way in this ambivalence because even if she does not trust my creations, I do.

Date: Apr 1

SHE:

Yesterday after so many days I cried. I cried a lot. I was completely lost in dilemma. I was not able to think properly. What should I do? Nitesh loves me but I love Niru. Nitesh wants to settle down in life and he wants me to be with him. Niru has not planned anything of that sort, he is just going to complete his MBA first and then will think of getting settled. Nitesh, he is of my age, very mature; whereas Niru is younger, a bit of immature but that suits his age. Nitesh, my family knows him very well and will be ready to accept him as my husband; whereas Niru is a stranger to mom or dad. But I love Niru a lot, probably more than I used to love Nitesh in college days. How should I make a decision? Based on love or on my future, the practical aspects of my life? Oh god, please help me. I need you immensely.

Date: Apr 2

HE:

Last few days just flew past like a stormy wind. A few more days and I am off to achieve my dreams. But I don't want to leave her, my love, my secretary. I really love her. I don't want to leave her but I can't stay here. Will she wait for me for at least 2-3 years while I complete MBA and get settled?

I have said goodbye to everyone, it was not that difficult; but it's definitely not the same with her. I don't know whether I will be able to tell her goodbye at all.

SHE:

I have made my decision. I don't know how to convey it but I will have to do it. One of the two hearts is going to be broken but there is no other way. I have made my decision and I'll stick to it. Oh god, please give me strength to convey the decision and then bear everything that follows.
 

SHE:

Today was Niru's birthday and also his last day in Bangalore as well as in this company. He left in the evening for Mumbai. It was really a heartbreaking moment to see him parting, especially when both of us were completely aware that we might not see each other in future. I had made the decision; the only problem was how to convey it to him. I chose to be practical than just blind in love. People give you cool gifts on your birthday but what I gave him was just a shock, a damn big shock. He didn't say anything except 'congrats' and 'good luck' but his face told me everything he wanted to convey.

I cried there standing among his friends who had gathered to wish him luck and goodbye. He couldn't cry out but if he wanted, he could just have wept then and there. I told him sorry that I chose Nitesh over him. He just replied, 'No need to be sorry. It's your life, you have complete right to make a decision and you are mature enough to do so and you have made a wise decision. We were friends and will be, but please don't expect me to keep in touch with you. I loved you and I really loved you from the bottom of my heart. But that won't be right especially when you are a married woman; married to someone else. So this is our last meeting. Thanks for the friendship and the love that you gave me.'

And he went inside the bus. Was he so aloof or did he just try not to make me feel worse about our parting? I think despite all those days with Niru, I still couldn't understand him properly. Anyways Niru, the truth is that I loved you. I loved you like anything but the decision I made was based on practical aspects of life. My decision will prove to be better for both of us and I am damn sure of it. I had started writing this diary since the day I had seen you for the first time, now since you are not in my life, I am going to discontinue. This is the last page of my diary.

All the best Niru, for your future. Love you. Bye.

HE:

This was the worst birthday of my life when I broke up with my love. It can't be termed as a breakup as such but we parted; we parted forever with a promise not to cross each other's path in future. I felt like crying; but boys don't cry, do they? Yes they cry, but secretly...and that's why I am crying now. Anyway, this is the last page. I have decided not to write this diary anymore. This diary had come into my life with secretary, and since secretary is no more with me, what's the purpose of this diary? Secretary, just wanted to say good luck for your future.

I Love you. Bye.

NITESH:

Finally, she said yes. I am so happy. She is mine. Finally my dream has come true. Oh God thanks a lot. You have made my day, in fact my life. Very few people get to live with someone they love; I am one of those lucky ones. My happiness has no bounds. I am very very happy today.

Niru left the company today, I don't know whether we will be able to meet each other in future. I had gone to say good bye and wish him good luck. He was talking to her. When I saw her face, I again felt some pain in my heart. Did they have something between them? If so, why did she say yes to me? Are they trying to cover-up something? Or is she playing games with me? Or am I coming between the two? I could see tears in Niru's eyes when he left her and got into the bus.

Her condition was no different, in fact she literally cried. She seemed to recover after a couple of minutes but the way she was looking somewhere into the vacuum, it was clear that she was trying to control her tears.
Oh god, please show me the way. I hope I didn't do anything wrong by proposing to her. The way they both were talking to each other didn't show any sign of quarrel or fight between them. Then why did they separate? Or they shared some feeling for each other and none of them bothered to express it? Whatever the situation might be, she has said 'yes' to me. Niru is her past and she will forget him; in fact she will have to. Whatever the case may be, I love her and that's it.

GOD:

Ok. Here is the end of this story, not a unique one, in fact a very very common one and a very very sad ending personally for me. You might be expecting me to interfere in it at the eleventh hour and change the ending so that before the bus starts, she runs to the bus and gets into it and goes with Niru to Mumbai or probably when the bus is about to leave, Niru jumps out and hugs her or Nitesh feels something wrong and just takes her on bike and follows the bus just to stop it and make her get into the bus. But even I cannot help people who cannot help themselves and also as I said before, I had already decided not to intervene and I stuck to my word.

Every thing in the life comes with a price and if you are not ready to pay for it then you will lose it. And it looked to me that the girl was not ready to pay the price for her love. She chose the easy way out which was with Nitesh. She took the decision after evaluating each option she had. She had thought practically in every aspect and then she chose to kill her love. Now you will say that it's me only who decides everything ultimately. No. Indeed its not true. at least in today's time. You have started playing games with yourself now so even I cannot help. I am worried about Niru and will have to look after him as he is totally alone.

I want to say one thing here - it's very difficult to find someone who you love and who in return loves you. It's very difficult to find someone who just accepts you as you are, who loves inner beauty and true soul.