March 21, 2011
"Eleven year old girl child committed suicide after her mother had read her diaries in which she had written about her friendship with a boy classmate" (daijiworld.com, March 15).
Sad and horrible news of a young girl committing suicide, though it must be an eye-opener to millions of parents in India and around the world.
A few responses from readers:
- Growing up has become a challenge in today’s times and parenting is a horrendous task to today’s generation where mind, materiality and madness living has become a norm ignoring the life’s true values.
- Sensitive situations should be handled sensitively and with extra care. What did the mother achieve by taking such a harsh step and making it public in the school, and even if she were alive, do you all think the child would have continued to go to school when the mother had spread the news?
- The biological aspects of human sexuality deal with human reproduction and the physical growth, which means that increase in body temperature increases levels of pleasurable hormones. Hence the parents should understand their children and act very cautiously because the child realises that something terribly went wrong in their act of little pleasure
- 1. Parents should build a trust with the child, so that child feels secured in sharing any information with parents.
2. Value education by parents to child is very important so that it acts as a shield against any evil coming in from media, friends etc.
3. Parents should be responsible enough to watch their child and guide them always and they should compulsorily devote time for this.
4. Don’t load the child with too much study, tuitions etc. Understand the child's capacity and feed accordingly. Every child cannot come first or score high marks.
Different opinions and responses, who is to blame? The mother, or the child?
I am one who strongly condemns the social system existing in our part of the world. Is it wrong to exchange letters or for that matter, a kind of love (infatuation) during teenage or puberty years? Infatuation or blind love is common as the parents do not want to accept their child’s sexual development. A girl child who is 11 and also her boy classmate who may be of same age – don’t you think they in teenage years or in a stage of puberty?
Leave alone the west, even in Malaysia or Singapore parents worry if children of that age do not make friends with the opposite sex. They would be badly disturbed or would approach a counsellor or psychologist to seek advice whether the child’s sexual orientation is not normal (gay or lesbian attitude?). What is wrong with the so-called developed, educated parents of 21st century in India? If opposite poles of magnet do not attract, isn't science wrong?
Every human being has a few stages of development, namely, baby - child - adolescent - adult.
During each stage there is a physical and psychological change and development. Every parent has undergone these stages and each one knows that adolescent or teen or pubertal age is the most vulnerable and curious age. It is a stage wherein a boy enters into manhood and girl enters into womanhood. An age wherein visible physical changes (growth) appear with an invisible psychological development . A boy/girl will enter into their sexual maturity phase. In our brain, there is a small structure called hypothalamus, which starts secreting the important hormone of sexual maturity – gonadotrophic releasing hormone (GnRH). Activation of the hypothalamic-pituitary-gonadal axis:
• Induces and enhances the progressive ovarian and testicular sex hormone secretion.
• Profound biological, morphological, and psychological changes to which the adolescent is subjected.
GnRH in turn will help in the release of follicular stimulating hormone (FSH) and luteinizing hormone (LH) from pituitary gland which is again in the brain. FSH will stimulate the growing ovaries and help in the release of estrogen and progesterone in females and LH will stimulate the special cells in testis to secrete testosterone in boys.
When estrogen and progesterone, which are called the sex hormones, are released in the blood, they enable a girl child to enter into puberty. Secondary sexual characteristics such as growth of breast, pubic and axillary hair and moreover attraction towards the opposite sex (boys) will appear which is very normal and natural. Among boys, testosterone, called the sex hormones, will enable the development of facial hair – moustache, axillary, pubic hair. Enlargement of sex organs and attraction towards girls (opposite sex) which is very normal and natural will also occur.
Secondary sex characteristics appear at a mean age of 10.5 years in girls and 11.5 to 12 years in boys. During this period there is a psychological change wherein a boy starts dreaming about a girl, and a girl about a boy. This is a period during which physical attraction and urge for sex is common. A balanced healthy family and understanding parents with lots of love and concern is very important as the child is vulnerable every moment during the phase of this period. The child seeks love, affection and valuable time from his/her parents. Now that every parent is affluent, the tendency of the child diverting into an unwanted relationship is common. It is a period during which a child may commit mistakes such as going into relationship with a person of the opposite sex in the neighbourhood or school. This tendency is normal and can be corrected by developing a loving atmosphere at home.
During puberty, plasma estradiol levels fluctuate widely, probably reflecting successive waves of follicular development that fail to reach the ovulatory stage. The uterine layer is affected by these changes and undergoes cycles of proliferation and regression, until a point is reached when substantial growth occurs so that withdrawal of estrogen results in the first menstruation or bleeding medically called menarche. This gives the idea that girl daughter is able to reproduce or be a mother.
Among boys, at this stage there will be increase in testicular size, scrotum slightly pigmented, a few long and dark pubic hair, testicular length 3.3-4 cm, lengthening of the penis, increase in pubic hair, testicular length 4.1-4.5cm, increase in length and thickening of the penis, adult amount of pubic hair, testicular length greater than 4.5cm, full spermatogenesis and boy is able to produce male cells called sperm. Puberty is completed usually within 3 to 4 years of its onset.
At this stage, parental understanding and tender love and care is the most essential component. Along with the physical changes that appear, psychological changes do appear in both boys and girls. Both boy/girl may experience embarrassment or shame regarding his/her changing figure. This could affect self-esteem as well. Boys go through a social awkwardness when their voices change. Teens sometimes begin to act out as a way to cope with their out of control feelings and as a way to fit in as there is a growing challenge. The adolescent years are difficult days for teens and parents as they figure out how to relate to one another and adapt to what's taking place.
In our Indian context, discussing sex is a taboo, neither the parents nor the school bother about it, and he/she ends up seeking peer or senior friend's advice. In most of the families both parents are so deeply engrossed with their daily routine that they don’t even have time to talk and understand their child. Most of the parents are shy to talk or even think about their child’s sexuality.
Parents need to be proactive and need to understand and love their teenage child more at this stage. Sexual thoughts will disturb the teenage child every other minute, which is absolutely normal. Keeping the child idle will aggravate it more. Encouraging outdoor games, team work, allowing the child to mix with children of the opposite sex of the same age is essential at this stage. Above all, most importantly, love your child more at this stage, spend time with him/her, forgive his/her mistakes, even if you find an sms or a love letter in their pocket accept it silently as at this age crush with opposite sex is normal and common. It shows that your child is maturing normally.
Never ever bring in the school teacher or parish priest into the scene as the child cannot tolerate or bear insults and is too shy. In case the parent cannot handle the teen-related mistakes, take the child into confidence gradually. One can also consult a professional counsellor. This also must be encouraged with mutual agreement of child and parent. Teenage is a very difficult stage both for the parent and the child.
Present day parents are always busy in their own work or profession. Busy in accumulating wealth for the unseen future, though that future may not be a reality. In our Indian context, the mother is the sole company, care giver, affectionate parent as the father is busy earning for the unseen future! Parents, let us spend our valuable time with our teen children. If possible let us try to be more friendly, break the age barrier so that a child is able to share his/her problems easily. Let us accept the sexuality and the sexual development of our children.
Remember, mistakes do happen and love is the language to correct them, not punishment.
Reference for figures: http://www.google.com.my/imghp?hl=en&tab=ii&q=hypothalamo-pituitary-gonadal%20axis
Dr Urban is a professor in School of Medicine, University Malaysia Sabah.