19 Tips on Surviving Life in Modern India

Dec 30, 2010

Here are some pointers on leading a happy life in India with its MNC’s, Pizza Huts, DLF and Road Rage.

Here we go…

1. Don’t buy anything without bargaining. Nothing. It is just against the Indian spirit. If your kid asks for a school trip to Egypt, propose Aurangabad. If he turns out to be a bargainer, raise the offer to Jaipur.

2. Have lots of kids. You must have a doctor, a lawyer, a police officer, and a magistrate in the family. Can’t rely on outsiders anymore.

3. Do not watch TV. The “K” channels dedicated to the cause of social injustice and women empowerment will bore you. Krishi Darshan on DD is more entertaining.

4. Forget that you have a middle finger. We are a peace loving country; no obscenities here please.

5. Chai-Paani is not really tea and water. Seriously, who would drink tea and water together? Even kids know what it means.

6. The media is the new government. If you lose as much as a dog, just call up Aajtak. If you can convince them to take up your cause, rest assured a dog will be found, yours or not.

7. When in trouble, claim you are from the media. Nobody messes with the media.

8. Get blocked on Twitter by Chetan Bhagat. You don’t belong to the intelligentsia unless you can offend the greatest writer of our times enough to grant you this status symbol.

9. Everything can be outsourced in our country. Get a maid, a cook, a driver, a gardener, a body guard, someone to pick your trash. You’ll even find a qualified person to walk your dogs. They are aplenty, and come cheap.

10. It is not law and order. It's law and disorder. Never bother calling up 100. Most likely it will go unanswered, which truly is the best case scenario for you.

11. Do not argue with your sabzi-wallah (vegetable vendor). If he gets pissed, he will just not sell to you but also make sure no other sabzi-wallah sells you either.

12. Anything can be blamed on Pakistan. Didn’t do your homework – the Pakistanis stole it. Made mistakes in the homework – the Pakistanis stole it and returned a wrong copy.

13. While out and about, make sure you know the name of the area ACP/DCP/Head Constable. If a cop stops you, claim that Mr ACP is your maternal uncle. And please please please also hope the person you name isn’t the one who has stopped you. In which case, god be with you.

14. Don’t go out during the day. Too much traffic. Also, don’t go out in the night. There are rapists everywhere.

15. Know your cricket. You must know the names of all IPL teams, Tendulkar’s test average, and the marital status of all Indian players. A strong opinion on match fixing will be helpful. If you think short leg is related to a flat foot, then this one needs a lot of work.

16. Never crib about how bad things are in India. Especially if you are a non-resident. We don’t like outsiders blowing the cover.

17. You can never bad mouth Shahrukh Khan. He has a private army of millions all over the country. For your own safety, claim to be an SRK fan wherever you go. Add that to your introduction. “Myself, Robin Almeida. Five years experience in Java, including four months and 12 days onsite. Big fan of Shahrukh Khan.”

18. You will be frisked wherever you go. The mall, the movies, the metro, haldirams, the library. Everywhere. Don’t complain – it’s for your own good.

19. If you believe in god, rest assured you will lead a happy life in India. With over a million gods, you can get a dedicated hotline to one of them. Just make sure you do the needful at the local place of worship.

There. Follow these tips and you will live happily ever after. Just don’t forget my chai paani for showing the path.


Robin Almeida - Archives:

by Robin Dyson Almeida
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Comment on this article

  • Reema D'Silva, Dubai/Mangalore

    Mon, Jan 03 2011

    Hey Robin, you write nice articles. great job!!!

  • Jessie, Mangalore

    Sat, Jan 01 2011

    Amazing Post Robin. This post made my day. Your tips are really good to live a gappy life in India.

  • Aremar, Puttur

    Sat, Jan 01 2011

    Good tips. Art of bargaining, we can export to foreign countries, as Indian Style.

  • Mrs.Suman V Uthappa, Mangalore/ Dubai

    Fri, Dec 31 2010

    goood ha ha ....very goood Mr.Robin.. :))


    Thu, Dec 30 2010

    you are the true ROBINWOOD PANDEY
    of the movie DABAANG.

  • A.S.Mathew, U.S.A.

    Thu, Dec 30 2010

    The art of bargaining is slowly
    infiltrating to the western
    countries, especially to the U.S.

    Even though India has risen to high
    levels economically, the nature of
    bargaining with a friendly smile
    is the way of life.

    For the NRIs and foreign citizens,
    where they can get a short course
    in bargaining, before they start
    dealing with the merchants?

    A few years back, when I bought some fruits from the street vender
    in Kerala, he charged me the double
    price. He smiled at me when I left
    the place, as if he had made a
    fool out of me, by double charging.
    I smiled at him telling myself
    "I simply tipped you that extra money out of your torn out looks".
    So, we both were happy.

  • Clara Lewis, Kemmannu/Dubai

    Thu, Dec 30 2010

    Hi Robin, thanks, thanks and thanks for showing the path, hope 3 thanks are enough for your Chai paani.

  • Stanley Noronha, Kulshekar/M'lore. Kuwait

    Thu, Dec 30 2010

    Hi Robin, good tips to start the new year, you are smart and talented too. All the best and a happy new year.

  • Bobby Malhotra, Mulki

    Wed, Dec 29 2010

    Mr.Robin Dyson Almeida..You are right with million gods..india is surviving..To your information even your god has also comedown to india.. to know how the system works..That's why there is lot of coincidence in between Lord Krishna and Lord Jesus.. Jai Ho..

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