Matrimonial Website’s Worst Dates Ever…

Sep 10, 2010

“Happy Birthday to you, happy Birthday to you…” was the chorus followed by my aunt saying that I should start looking for proposals…One thing that has kept me wondering is why do aunties always comment about proposals, marriages, our weight etc…. why can’t they speak about the latest shows on MTV, new music, Simpsons etc…

For sensitivity issues, I’ll use fake names…

Anyway, so, the next day I was at home and settling down to a nice quiet post birthday on my couch with my favorite TV shows. That’s when Andrea messaged me. I realized just how much of a mistake it was to reply to the text the next day.

Here they are… the top five worst matrimonial dates I’ve ever been on from a matrimonial website....

Number Five:

Andrea was this tall, lanky girl from my school and she kind of had a crush on me. I came across her on a matrimonial website and our meeting was more like an old friend’s reunion rather than a date. I was always the shy guy types but had just the right amount of pheromones to attract. I was also naive and didn’t understand girls. In my 10th standard, I and my friends used go to Holy Cross Convent Chapel (which was a good 2 kms away from my school) @ 6 A.M to catch a glimpse of the morning greenery out there. We were that stupid. So anyway, this girl messaged me and asked me if I wanted to go out and have some ice cream. I agreed and we decided to meet at the local Ice Cream parlor at around 5 in the evening.

I walked up there at the appropriate time, met her and we both ordered cones. She talked about this and that and commented on my new shirt and my latest hair style (I hadn’t changed my hairstyle since the day I was born). I nodded politely and commented on her dress and pointed out that her ice cream cone was dripping. Once I finished, I got up, washed my hands, thanked her and ran home to watch The Simpsons, which started at 6. I failed to notice that she was still sitting there with a half-eaten cone.

I never heard from her again. I recently got to know that she had gotten married and settled somewhere in Europe. Oh boy.

Number Four:

Imagine the ugliest woman in the world. Now, multiply that a million. Yes, that was the first and last blind date I ever went on. Her name was Charlotte….I paid 1,500 bucks for my pasta and her sandwich, and I paid more attention to the food and the ambiance in the French restaurant than her. On her matrimonial profile she mentioned herself as single, 22, Mangalorean, homely etc etc…The only thing true was that she was Mangalorean (if Bhatkal was to be considered under Mangalore municipality)… She was 40+, divorced and had posted a fake profile of her with a 200 year old photograph and more so she wanted to have a time pass relationship. More than her looks, what pissed me off was the lie she posted …I ran out of there as fast as I could and never called her again. She tried to, but I was always either ‘caught in a meeting’ or ‘busy with some work’ or ‘not in the city’. Trust me, blind dates are meant for people who can’t see.

Number Three:

Of all the places, Ashwini happened in Dubai. I met her at this Indian restaurant at 5 in the evening. After settling down in a few minutes, I asked her what her expectations are. With a delight in her eyes, she handed me a long list of things written down on a piece of paper. I’m sure that was written on a toilet paper and was eagerly waiting for me to ask her. That list looked like the list of “Do-not-do” things usually found in old Irani cafes in Bombay.

Item No.1 – I am a career oriented woman and career comes first and then comes family;

Item No.2 - I don’t know to cook and don’t intent to learn either;

Item No.3 – I have my dad’s home in malad, so if things work out and we visit India, do not except me to stay at your place;

Item No.4 – I drink Wine, vodka, beer, whisky, gin, tequila, breezer and Brandy ONLY (I was happy she dint mention BAILEY’s as they had just increased their price);

Item No.5 – I don’t intent to have kids now as I am very conscious about my figure... I MIGHT CONSIDER having kids after 4-5 years… (Her MIGHT CONSIDER was like a ray of hope for the Almeida clan);

Item No.6 – I don’t…..

Item No.7 – I can’t…..

And the list of don’ts and cant’s went on and on….
Need I say more how my remainder of the evening passed by…?
Yes, I never spoke to that checklist again.

Number Two:

This happened in early 2008 when my job was quite a nightmare. On a relatively easy Friday, I met a girl named Anita on a matrimonial website in the morning. Wow, I said to myself... what a beautiful name…her name sounds to be calm, simple and quiet personality… Added her on Gtalk, chatted with her through the afternoon, and got her phone number by 4 pm, called her up, fixed up a coffee date for 6 pm the same evening, met her, had a wonderful time, dropped her back home and got the shock of my life when she asked me if I wanted to come up for a joint of the best weed (drugs) ever. I was baffled, and then she said, “Oh come on, it’ll be fun. I’m sure my boyfriend won’t mind. He’ll be asleep at this time. He works night shifts.” Hearing this, I was about to shout on top of my voice like the kid shouting in Home Alone…

Whoa, I made an excuse, went home and blocked the weird one from my Gtalk.

Number One:

And finally Number One worst date ever… Interestingly enough, the worst date I’ve ever been on involves two girls and a guy. This happened in 2008 at Hard Rock Cafe, in Mumbai. I went in as one girl’s date a.k.a boyfriend at 7 PM, became single inside at 7.30 PM, and became another girl’s random date at 8 PM.

To add more to my misery, a gay dude hit on me, pinched me on my butt and told me he loved me at 9 PM.

I’ll spare you the remaining details... 

Robin Almeida - Archives:


by Robin Dyson Almeida
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Comment on this article

  • Jennifer, Mangalore

    Wed, Sep 29 2010

    Nice article. As one who went through this awful/awesome phase a few years ago in my 'manhunt', i totally reckon with you! Hope you've found Miss Match by now. If not, good luck and God speed! :)

  • Jennifer, Mangalore

    Wed, Sep 29 2010

    Nice article. As one who went through this awful/awesome phase a few years ago in my 'manhunt', i totally reckon with you! Hope you've found Miss Match by now. If not, good luck and God speed! :)

  • Jennifer D'Souza, Mangalore

    Thu, Sep 16 2010

    nice article Robin.. very well written.. Waiting for more posts..

  • Vinitha Fernandes, Bangalore

    Thu, Sep 16 2010

    Indeed a nice article, but as noel mentioned..none of us have the right to call any one UGLY..

    But a really giggly one Robin...good job!!!

    Just one last question...wonder what those gals would have thought if the man the plan to get married thinks "The Simpsons" way!!!!

    Cheers Mate....

  • E P Cutinha, Mangalore

    Thu, Sep 16 2010

    Matchmakers that I know receive nearly three times in number the details of men waiting to get married when compared to those of girls. It was the other way round about 30 years ago.

  • Asha Fernandes, Mumbai

    Wed, Sep 15 2010

    hahhhahahaha....I am sure might have had a hearty laugh thinking about all your dates....but this is true..I have faced these too.....good join the gang....

  • diana, mangalore

    Wed, Sep 15 2010

    hi dear i liked this article.keep dating ).....

  • meena,

    Tue, Sep 14 2010

    Hey,dont miss the girl whom you met recently in Dubai.

  • adshenoy, mangloor

    Tue, Sep 14 2010

    Better stick to the "old" internet. Papa and Mamma and relatives for looking proposals. Looking for partners better done with good "sairik" and "malo".
    Anything modern is disastrous for many.

  • Fabeola, B'lore/ Dubai

    Mon, Sep 13 2010

    Definitely a good laugh..hang in there though, someone nice has to turn up at some point

  • reena , mumbai

    Mon, Sep 13 2010

    Hi you missed the recent one whom you met in Dubai.and who is still wiating for you.. I am sure that was her worst experience.

  • Flona, Mangalore

    Sun, Sep 12 2010

    Great Going. All the best for future dates:-D Nice article indeed!

  • Nikita Pereira, Mangalore

    Sun, Sep 12 2010

    lol... dude ur cool.. keep them coming... its very eye opening and fun to read

  • Tom Cat , Mangalore/ Saudi Arabia

    Sun, Sep 12 2010

    Hey dude how did you get inspired to write in a sequence. Nice reading about a Mangi and his little goddess.

  • riya, mangalore/kuwait

    Sun, Sep 12 2010

    good one, wish u added one good date. pitty u with so many bad experiences. hope u have one soon. all the best wishes to u as u hav met only 5 its jst 1% still 99% more to go. all the best.

  • rita, mangalore /dubai

    Sun, Sep 12 2010

    great article now a days proposal means its like a pasion not bady will think life only for time . thankyou for this article and finally somebady will know what is going on in the world.finaly who is doing wrong they will get lesson from this article


    Sun, Sep 12 2010

    Nice one to pen down the experience

  • Charles, Karkala/Kuwait

    Sun, Sep 12 2010

    This is good one Robin. Looks like real time experience and may help many readers. Keep going and wish you all the very best. Hope you have already met the right one off the matrimonial website..!!!

  • Andrina Pais, Mudarangady/Singapore

    Sat, Sep 11 2010

    Great artcile Robin.I have always read your artciles.They are so natural.One feels one has also expereinced them in ones life.Good going.Your doing a great job.

  • Noel, Brisbane

    Sat, Sep 11 2010

    None of us has the right to call anyone 'ugly' - Beauty as they say is in the eyes of the beholder!!

  • A.S.Mathew, U.S.A.

    Sat, Sep 11 2010

    Good article. Inernet has
    revolutionized communication,
    information and travel etc. But
    a lot of con artists have used
    it to create problems for others.

    Internet marriages and dating are
    fun for some crooked people, and a
    lot of people are being fooled
    and get into trouble. Extreme
    caution is urged because in this
    modern age, for the majority of the
    people, tricks and lying have
    nothing to do with their coscience.
    So they will cheat anybody they
    can because old moral values are
    completely gone from them for ever.

  • Rohan, Mangalore

    Sat, Sep 11 2010

    dude you are too cool.....liked this article...good one.hope GIRLS LEARN SOMETHING ATLEAST .....

  • Westor Dsilva, Kallianpur

    Fri, Sep 10 2010

    You are too good in writing. I specially liked the date "Number four". Keep writing !!!

  • Raj, udupi/Dubai

    Fri, Sep 10 2010

    You are extreemly lucky to get such weonderful dates (experiences).with such mental set up i really wish u d best. Mind u, the reality of life starts from the 1st day after marriage. thats the reason nowadays you find lot of break-ups in 24hrs aftr marriage.

  • Donna, Shirva

    Fri, Sep 10 2010

    Is this a piece of fiction or real action? Quite an enthralling adventure !

  • Sunil, Mangalore

    Thu, Sep 09 2010

    it made a really refreshing reading and reminded me of the tyrst that i am going thru right now with parents, aunts, family holding me at gunpoint to get settled by Jan 2011! and yes the prospective brides shown by the sairikecho Malo and malin!

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