Sep 10, 2010
“Happy Birthday to you, happy Birthday to you…” was the chorus followed by my aunt saying that I should start looking for proposals…One thing that has kept me wondering is why do aunties always comment about proposals, marriages, our weight etc…. why can’t they speak about the latest shows on MTV, new music, Simpsons etc…
For sensitivity issues, I’ll use fake names…
Anyway, so, the next day I was at home and settling down to a nice quiet post birthday on my couch with my favorite TV shows. That’s when Andrea messaged me. I realized just how much of a mistake it was to reply to the text the next day.
Here they are… the top five worst matrimonial dates I’ve ever been on from a matrimonial website....
Andrea was this tall, lanky girl from my school and she kind of had a crush on me. I came across her on a matrimonial website and our meeting was more like an old friend’s reunion rather than a date. I was always the shy guy types but had just the right amount of pheromones to attract. I was also naive and didn’t understand girls. In my 10th standard, I and my friends used go to Holy Cross Convent Chapel (which was a good 2 kms away from my school) @ 6 A.M to catch a glimpse of the morning greenery out there. We were that stupid. So anyway, this girl messaged me and asked me if I wanted to go out and have some ice cream. I agreed and we decided to meet at the local Ice Cream parlor at around 5 in the evening.
I walked up there at the appropriate time, met her and we both ordered cones. She talked about this and that and commented on my new shirt and my latest hair style (I hadn’t changed my hairstyle since the day I was born). I nodded politely and commented on her dress and pointed out that her ice cream cone was dripping. Once I finished, I got up, washed my hands, thanked her and ran home to watch The Simpsons, which started at 6. I failed to notice that she was still sitting there with a half-eaten cone.
I never heard from her again. I recently got to know that she had gotten married and settled somewhere in Europe. Oh boy.
Imagine the ugliest woman in the world. Now, multiply that a million. Yes, that was the first and last blind date I ever went on. Her name was Charlotte….I paid 1,500 bucks for my pasta and her sandwich, and I paid more attention to the food and the ambiance in the French restaurant than her. On her matrimonial profile she mentioned herself as single, 22, Mangalorean, homely etc etc…The only thing true was that she was Mangalorean (if Bhatkal was to be considered under Mangalore municipality)… She was 40+, divorced and had posted a fake profile of her with a 200 year old photograph and more so she wanted to have a time pass relationship. More than her looks, what pissed me off was the lie she posted …I ran out of there as fast as I could and never called her again. She tried to, but I was always either ‘caught in a meeting’ or ‘busy with some work’ or ‘not in the city’. Trust me, blind dates are meant for people who can’t see.
Of all the places, Ashwini happened in Dubai. I met her at this Indian restaurant at 5 in the evening. After settling down in a few minutes, I asked her what her expectations are. With a delight in her eyes, she handed me a long list of things written down on a piece of paper. I’m sure that was written on a toilet paper and was eagerly waiting for me to ask her. That list looked like the list of “Do-not-do” things usually found in old Irani cafes in Bombay.
Item No.1 – I am a career oriented woman and career comes first and then comes family;
Item No.2 - I don’t know to cook and don’t intent to learn either;
Item No.3 – I have my dad’s home in malad, so if things work out and we visit India, do not except me to stay at your place;
Item No.4 – I drink Wine, vodka, beer, whisky, gin, tequila, breezer and Brandy ONLY (I was happy she dint mention BAILEY’s as they had just increased their price);
Item No.5 – I don’t intent to have kids now as I am very conscious about my figure... I MIGHT CONSIDER having kids after 4-5 years… (Her MIGHT CONSIDER was like a ray of hope for the Almeida clan);
Item No.6 – I don’t…..
Item No.7 – I can’t…..
And the list of don’ts and cant’s went on and on….
Need I say more how my remainder of the evening passed by…?
Yes, I never spoke to that checklist again.
This happened in early 2008 when my job was quite a nightmare. On a relatively easy Friday, I met a girl named Anita on a matrimonial website in the morning. Wow, I said to myself... what a beautiful name…her name sounds to be calm, simple and quiet personality… Added her on Gtalk, chatted with her through the afternoon, and got her phone number by 4 pm, called her up, fixed up a coffee date for 6 pm the same evening, met her, had a wonderful time, dropped her back home and got the shock of my life when she asked me if I wanted to come up for a joint of the best weed (drugs) ever. I was baffled, and then she said, “Oh come on, it’ll be fun. I’m sure my boyfriend won’t mind. He’ll be asleep at this time. He works night shifts.” Hearing this, I was about to shout on top of my voice like the kid shouting in Home Alone…
Whoa, I made an excuse, went home and blocked the weird one from my Gtalk.
And finally Number One worst date ever… Interestingly enough, the worst date I’ve ever been on involves two girls and a guy. This happened in 2008 at Hard Rock Cafe, in Mumbai. I went in as one girl’s date a.k.a boyfriend at 7 PM, became single inside at 7.30 PM, and became another girl’s random date at 8 PM.
To add more to my misery, a gay dude hit on me, pinched me on my butt and told me he loved me at 9 PM.
I’ll spare you the remaining details...
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