Phases of Marriage...

Nov 21, 2009

"Marriage is a book in which the first five chapters are written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose" , This idiom quoted by Beverly Nichols, explains the importance of thinking, understanding  and acquainting before making an important decision of marriage.

"Marriage can be defined as a union between a Man and a Woman in heart, mind and essence, a sacred sacrament administered by God through a religious head, with an intention never to be broken". Immaturity, misunderstanding, infidelity, dishonesty between couples has resulted in lofty rates of divorces. Individuals have forgotten the importance/meaning of a "Vow". It has become a custom to make vows and then defy them when hardship arises. when the priest asks " Do you take this man/woman to be your wife/husband till death do you part?", Back of many people's mind the thought goes," Sure, I will take this person, but if it doesn't work or hardship arises, I will file a   petition for separation or divorce and get on with my life".

Repenting after getting married is like "Crying over spilt milk", embarrassment for the couple as well as their families. Although parents do their homework of investigating the background of the boy/girl and their families, I think a lot of decision making responsibilities lie in the hands of the couple getting married. Whether it  is love or arranged marriage, couples  before marriage are interested in discussing the phase 1 of the marriage which includes love, courtship, physical and mental attraction. phase 2 which includes Money, long term relationship, unity, tolerance and responsibility remains suppressed until the phase 1 comes to an end.

Although phase 1 is more exciting, Due importance needs to be given to phase 2, because it is in this phase couples experience difficulty in adjusting to one another, tolerating, forgiving and having patience. The four important aspects that would be beneficial for a couple to discuss before saying "I do" are summarized below. In addition to these, there might be several others, but may be nugatory.

1) Compromise : Among the five important aspects, compromise in a marriage is very imperative. Compromising means agreeing to someone even though you do not like it. It is very difficult to compromise because compromising means lowering ego. Men specially are reluctant to compromise because of the weird thinking  referred as "Masculine power"

It is very important to bury all the ego when you begin a married life. This will lead to fewer arguments and better compromises. It is important to discuss with your partner how you would compromise if a argument arises. some of the possible resolutions one could make before marriage are

Never sleep without saying sorry to each other.  This will help you in putting an end to your arguments the same day.
Frustration is the result of an unexpected evil  event that has occurred during our day.  Frustration blended with fatigue makes an individual highly irritant. Puny reasons might ignite the irritant stress which may result in an argument.  Retaliating back during an argument is  like adding gas to fire. Making a resolution to remain tranquil, when our partner is irritant, will help resolve a lot of redundant arguments.

2)  Responsibility:
In order to sustain a family in the 21st century, it is important for both the husband and the wife to toil. Most of the jobs are stressful, which induces frustration and fatigue at the end of the day. Routine home activities like cooking, cleaning, educating the kids may be difficult for a single person (Lady). Sharing responsibilities not only eases irritant stress but also develops a bond of love and togetherness after the phase 1 of marriage has expired.  Responsibilities can be shared only when good compatibility arises between the couple. Most of the couples speak about family, kids, house, etc. It would beneficial if sharing responsibilities was also discussed. However ladies should know that most of the men change their attitudes as time passes by and the whole discussion may prove to be futile. The advantage of this discussion would be, if a man tends to change his attitude over time , then the lady can nag about this discussion they had before marriage and the resolution he had made then.  

3)Maturity:  Benjamin Spocok exclaims  " The surest measure of a man's or a woman's  maturity is the harmony, style and dignity he creates in his/her marriage, and the pleasure and inspiration he/she provides to his/her spouse". Maturity blended with understanding is the key for a happy married life. I strongly disagree  the perception that maturity comes with age. Although  an insignificant amount may develop through age, but most of the maturity is borne from cognitive experience and individual acuity.

Maturity without understanding capabilities is like a camera without a lens. Understanding plays a important role in one's own life/married life.  Understanding your better half is very important in order to sail smoothly through your married life. The following tips furnished below may be useful for a healthy relationship.

Every person builds his/her own dreams/goals. Understanding your  goals by your partner to  nurture and achieve them is important. It would be beneficial for couples to discuss these dreams/goals to ensure that they match. Learning to adjust might also be a big lesson that might be learnt.

*Women*: Priorities in Man's life changes as time passes by. You may be his priority during your phase 1 of your married life. During phase 2, his work may be a priority. Learn to live with this natural law even though it may hurt you. Trying to change him beyond a certain threshold point  may not yield favorable results.

*Men* Women need you the most when they feel depressed or frustrated. Crankiness/fuss blended with depression may make life miserable.  During this period of time it would be ideal for you to sit by your partner and listen to her, without giving her wise advise. (Ref: Men from Mars and Women from Venus). 

4)  Finance and Addiction(Alcohol/drugs):
  As the universal proverb goes "Money is the root of all evil", Financial stability and accurate foresight of accumulating finances is very important to avoid hardships in finances. Love disappears when  financial scarcity arises. It would be essential for a couple to discuss about the manner in which they would like to manage their  finances. My friend told me the best way to manage individual finances is to have three bank accounts, one for each and a joint account for common expense. Revealing ones financial status to his wife/husband before marriage and periodically after marriage is very important. This would solve complication which may arise in future. Revealing ones good habit of smoking/ drinking to his spouse before marriage is also very important, this will prevent a shock wave from flowing through her/his spine when she/he finds you drinking/smoking.

As  many of you plan to get married this December/January , I hope and wish this article would be beneficial to each one of you, to build a strong foundation for your married life.

by Sudeep Gonsalves, USA
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Comment on this article

  • Juliet Miranda, Honavar

    Mon, Jun 14 2010

    Very good thought and means of inspiring others. Everyone who reads it will surely carry something for their life and future. Well done Sudeep. Congratulations!

  • Asha Nazareth, Mumbai

    Fri, Jan 08 2010

    Excellent article.......Great Job u have done. Thank you very much Mr.Sundeep.

  • emily rita, india

    Wed, Dec 16 2009

    Very nice article like u some bady should be there to get more knowldge now a days marriage means they will think just for play for this good article well done dear.

  • Rohan, Mangalore

    Sun, Nov 29 2009

    Nice article .....great insight on marriage. Hope  they work for people

  • cliffy, mangalore

    Wed, Nov 25 2009

    its an beauty/handsome tips for all married as well as going to joined 2 hearts 2get- her(i mean to-gather) .Keep it up god bless all who read and writer keep it up hats off to you many after reading this will understand what is true love of marriage and understanding as its a true story and day to day transaction of our true the time of marriage VOWS “I DO……” .

  • Juliana, Mangalore/Doha Qatar

    Wed, Nov 25 2009

    Very good article for married & those who are getting marry. Keep on writing more article like this.

  • Diana Menezes, USA

    Tue, Nov 24 2009

    very well written article...Simple common man language for every couple to read and give there marriage a new direction.... I will suggest most of my married friends to read this.... Good Job!!! Keep up the good work!!!

  • Reuben Tellis, Mangalore

    Mon, Nov 23 2009

    A very well written article buddy. Keep going bro.

  • Margaret Rego, Mangalore. Kuwait

    Mon, Nov 23 2009

    Excellent article Sudeep. It's the eye opener for young couples who are planning to get married shortly or in the near future. Yes, indeed husband and wife has to put up lot of hardships/sacrifices, understanding and patience in order to suceed in married life.

    It is never said that "marriage is a bed of roses". All the youngsters should read this article and this way the marriage bond will remain strong and then we can say "In death do us part". Finally cherish India's rich culture of sharing and caring.

  • Margaret Rego, Mangalore. Kuwait

    Mon, Nov 23 2009

    Excellent article Sudeep. Keep writing more of such articles. It's the eye opener for young couples who are planning to get married shortly or in the near future. Yes, indeed husband and wife has to put up lot of hardships/sacrifices, understanding and patience in order to suceed in married life. All the youngsters should read this article and this way the marriage bond will remain strong where we can say "in death do us part". Finally cherish India's rich culture of caring and sharing.

  • jane castelino, mangalore/KSA

    Mon, Nov 23 2009

    Excellent article, this article is about the secret of happy married life.I impressed with your ideology.Keep writing.

  • Phases of Marriage, Mangalore/Mumbai

    Sun, Nov 22 2009

    Very well written Sudeep.I enjoyed reading the article and impressed with your thought process. Keep it up.

  • Dan Sequeira, Mangalore

    Sun, Nov 22 2009

    Excellent article Sudeep!

  • Saleem GH. , Puttur/Abu Dhabi

    Sun, Nov 22 2009

    You are absolutely right Deepika, Mangalore/Canada.. I agreed with your comments. Marriage means share in all there is no word of separate

  • Jacintha Furtado, Mangalore/Dublin Ireland

    Sat, Nov 21 2009

    well written article. The article is all about secret of happy marreid life .

  • Karen Mathias, Mangalore/ India

    Sat, Nov 21 2009

    good one...! guess all this should be of a greater help when i will actually pass thru all these phases....but for now...its a lovely article to me....all the best...keep the good work going..

  • Lancy , M lore/Pune

    Sat, Nov 21 2009

    Hi, Sudeep. Nice to see ur article. Wondeful yaar. Hope u remember me ur classmate since 1 st std. All the best continue writing . Inspire many more.

  • L.J.Dsouza, Brahmavar

    Sat, Nov 21 2009

    Good article sundeep.I hope youngster may read ,because everythings collapse after marreige.Thank you for your good advise.

  • MANOJ, udupi/dubai

    Sat, Nov 21 2009

    really good article....supereb ....good lesson for all who r going to marry.mind blowing.


    Sat, Nov 21 2009

    Excellent article by Sudeep. All couples enjoying a harmonious married life will definintely agree with sudeep's formulae for various stages in married life.

  • Deepika, Mangalore/Canada

    Sat, Nov 21 2009

    Very well written. Lot of insight. I am forwarding this to my friend who plans to get married soon :) Only one point I do not fully agree with ...the separate bank accounts. This in itself goes against the essence of marriage. Once you are married share everything. Your whole relationship is based on trust. You earn together, save together, plan together and then spend together keeping each ones need in mind. This is difficult initially ...but then no one has said marriage is easy :) This is my thought. Some may agree ..many others may disagree. All in all ..marriage means sharing (happily) share your body, mind, soul ...and your possessions ...whether big or small !!!!

  • vasanthi, Mumbai/Dhahran,KSA.

    Sat, Nov 21 2009

    Hello Sundeep.Very nice article.This is good for married and those who are getting marry.Specialy young generation should read.Now aday so many Indians are divorce/separet.There is no love/respect like before.

  • Sabbal Iqbal, Mangalore

    Sat, Nov 21 2009

    Very interesting article,keep writing!

  • Roopa, Mangalore/Australia

    Sat, Nov 21 2009

    Excellent article... well said. Must read for all, well done, very impressed with your ideology, Truly agree with you,

  • Jenny, Mangalore/Dubai

    Sat, Nov 21 2009

    good job sundeep & thank you for this mind blogging article.This is in fact an eye opener for all the married as well as couples yet to get married. This will sure help to develop a strong bond b/w husband N wife. Rhank you

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