Does Doubt Disturb Your Married Life?

By Dr Sr Judith Lewis UFS
Sr Dr Judy Lewis UFS, Sampoorna Counselling Centre, St Ursula Convent, Bolar, has a doctorate in Clinical Psychology and Counselling from St Thomas University, Manila, Philippines. She is presently working as counsellor and animator in Mangaluru, Udupi and Bengaluru. You can reach her at Judylewis77@gmail.com.
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August 17, 2018

Marriage is a lasting unconditional commitment of love between two partners. When unconditional commitment becomes conditional with ‘if’ and/or ‘but’, doubts creep in. When something unexpected happens in married life, the mind goes wild with imaginations and speculations questioning the behavior of the partner. That is the moment of the origin of a doubt.

One cause for doubt in marriage is lack of communication. The communication gap increases as partners tend to take one another for granted. Living together under the same roof, for a long time leads to the habit of taking people for granted. So, the partners fail to take the other seriously, resulting in the lack of necessary communication and this results in doubtful thinking.

Nowadays, doubt is a very widespread observable phenomenon in a married life. Doubt is something like a feeling of uncertainty or lack of conviction. It can also be concerning the truth, whether something is true or false. Doubts can emerge from our past experiences, from our past sufferings and crisis.

We observe around us that some marriages continue only for a few days, some for few months and some last a few years. It looks as if it has become just a warranty or a contract which can easily give way. As a result, very few marriages are based on valued promises, dedication and sacrifice.

A young girl came to me just after six months of her marriage, shattered and frustrated. “Why should I have such a type of husband? I have serious doubts that he has an extra marital affair with his colleague. How can I live with this type of man when he has another woman in his mind,” she complained.

Doubt can invade anyone’s life, but the question we need to ask is, “Do we spend a bit of time to look back and see what really happened; why there is a sense of betrayal between two of us?” Generally, it is due to chain of emotions, generated because of our sudden conclusion that our relationship should end. One should know that in every married relationship, there could be terrible mistakes and misunderstandings.

In marriage, some doubts are really a stress response and they can become serious if not heeded and damage the spousal relationship, and its physical and psychological wellbeing. Some train their brains to focus on the negative, that they cannot even notice the positive side of reality.

The case of a couple married for 25 years is worth noticing. The husband working abroad suspects that his wife at the native place has extra-marital relationship as he observed certain behavioural changes, like giving excuses when contacted over the telephone, saying that she is at a grocery shop, in the market place, there is no range etc. The suspicion gave rise to doubts and arguments set in. None was willing to listen to the other, but both preoccupied in self defence, resulting in anger and blame game. Conclusions were drawn up too fast and both decided to separate.

This is a typical case which got precipitated because of the lack of personal communication and dialogue. Springing into conclusions, without taking time to resolve a misunderstanding can lead to terrible consequences.

Doubts do occur in married life, but precipitating the issue will have tremendous pain and misery. There may be many reasons for suspicion, but open sharing should prevail over all doubts. If so, the misunderstandings can lead to reconciliation and mutual forgiveness.

The incident above provides us with an insight into our contemporary society where marriages are broken for very inadequate reasons, main among them being doubt. Doubt can even be considered as a perfectly normal part of any relationship. It becomes problematic when we fail to resolve it. As responsible human beings, we need to learn to resolve our relationship problems through communication and mutual understanding.

Here are some of the precautions you can take when you lack confidence, or you doubt your partner:

1. Anything can threaten your spousal relationship, and in such cases you should first and foremost picture yourselves in a vivid manner how happy and peaceful your married life was, before the crisis sprung up. This can give you the reassurance that the clouds of crisis can disappear, and you can resume your normal spousal relationship.

2. Secondly, few couples make it a point to sit together and share mutually their own plans, feelings, desires, anxieties and worries. Life becomes so busy with doing things that hardly we set aside time for deliberate life communications. At least when crisis crops up, this should become a waking point.

3. Finally, appreciate each other. Appreciation is part of marriage that helps you to grow into deeper commitment and come closer. Appreciate, encourage your partner or show gratitude when you notice some changes in your partner’s behaviour which makes you feel more secure.

As a conclusion, we can say that marriage is a beautiful union creating unbreakable bonds of love between two human souls for life. Let us understand the worth of marital commitment between two partners that vouches for the growth of each other lifelong that can make a couple even exemplary parents. Have a desire to be ideal spouses and draw up together some positive steps how to remain always one.

Comment on this article

  • Sr jyothi fernandes, mudarangady/Udupi/Mysuru

    Thu, Aug 23 2018

    MY dear Loving Judy
    Hearty congratulations to you for the inspiring and thought provoking article.
    As you are a scholar in clinical psychology and Counselling, the the filed of your mission is vast and the needs of our families are urgent. May God bless your love n service

    Agree [5]

  • Sam, Kuwait/Kundapura

    Wed, Aug 22 2018

    Dear Sister
    Very informative article .

    Agree [2]

  • Sr. Clara Furtado, Udipi, Perampally

    Wed, Aug 22 2018

    My dear Sr. Judy, Congratulations! Well written article, very informative and educative. You have created an awareness through your article. Many such articles will help people to know themselves and others. God bless your hard effort. Keep up!

    Agree [3]

  • Latha, Bangalore

    Wed, Aug 22 2018

    Very informative and good article married life.

    Agree [2]

  • Veera, Mangalore

    Sun, Aug 19 2018

    Dear Sister Judy
    Very informative article .

    Agree [2]

  • Jason rebello, Bangalore

    Sun, Aug 19 2018

    Wow very informative article Sister.. wonderful article!

    Agree [2]

  • Nancy Rebello, Bangalore

    Sun, Aug 19 2018

    Dear Sr. Judy, you have written so well on Doubt in married life. Those who read it will certainly profit by it.

    Agree [2]

  • Jacintha Mathias, Shirva

    Sun, Aug 19 2018

    Very informative Article Sr. Judy

    Agree [4]

  • Arun, Arun Israel/Udupi

    Sun, Aug 19 2018

    Dear Sister Judy
    good article. Thanks.

    Agree [3]

  • Jason, Jason Thottam/Udupi

    Sun, Aug 19 2018

    Dear Sr Judy congrats
    Article is very good and informative. God Bless you.

    Agree [5]

  • Reginald, Kuwait/Udupi

    Sun, Aug 19 2018

    Dear Sr.Judy.
    Very informative and good article. God bless you.

    Agree [2]

  • Sr. Ivy, Mysore, Udupi/Mysore

    Sun, Aug 19 2018

    Hearty congratulations dear Sr. Judy. Well written, very informative, inspiring and timely article to the present context, when many of our families are torn apart, mainly due to lack of mutual trust, timely communication and unconditional love in family life. Keep up your good work! I invoke God's many blessings on you.

    Agree [4]

  • Priya, Surathkal

    Sat, Aug 18 2018

    Very informative article. GOD Bless You and keep writing

    Agree [3]

  • HENRY MISQUITH, Bahrain

    Sat, Aug 18 2018

    Doubt makes married life HELL..

    Agree [12]

  • Fr Joachim Dsouza, Mogarnad /Farangipet

    Sat, Aug 18 2018

    Marriages are built on mutual trust and only on Trust. Due to doubt families are shattered and feelings are battered. We need to build the families in and through mutual trust, confidence and co – operation.

    Agree [9]

  • Saritha, Mangalore

    Sat, Aug 18 2018

    Dear Sr Judy congrats
    Your article is very good and informative.
    All the best , write many more such articles.

    Agree [3]

  • Alwyn D Almeida, Mangalore/Dubai

    Sat, Aug 18 2018

    No MONEY No HONEY. Today's World MONEY is IDOL and Worshiped. Till MONEY is playing Major role in the society and family, till that time there is no PEACE in Family, Society etc etc... God bless our families.

    Agree [12]

  • Elrita Lewis, Kundapura

    Fri, Aug 17 2018

    Hullo Sr. Judy Lewis, so good article on Doubt in married life. Will be inspiring for many couples.

    Agree [11]

  • Sam, bengaluru

    Fri, Aug 17 2018

    A well written article. Congratulations!!! to you Sr. Hope many will read this article. It is very informative and exactly what happens in todays world. You must write many more articles. Gadgets have led to more doubts. marriages must be built on trust and love.

    Agree [10]

  • Veera, Israel /Udyavar

    Fri, Aug 17 2018

    Dear Sr.Judy
    Congratulations to you. very good article. May God bless you.

    Agree [11]

  • Dr. Bro. Henry Sequeira csc, Principal, Pamboor/Hubli

    Fri, Aug 17 2018

    Dr. Sr.Judy, Congratulations to you.! It is an excellent article, relevent for the day today life of Married people. Encourage you to write.

    Agree [13]

  • Sr Lily Fernandes, Mangalore

    Fri, Aug 17 2018

    Very informative and enlightening article dear Sr Judith. May many more such articles come from your experienced pen. Our families/couples need such enlightenment. Today our weddings are focused on celebrations and grandeur. Marital promises and value systems have become secondary. Keep up the good work!

    Agree [20]

  • John Baptist Saldanha, Permannur

    Fri, Aug 17 2018

    This is indeed informative and inspiring article. Also please share your insights regarding the psychological needs and proper upbringing of children in our families.
    Thank you Sr Judith. God bless.

    Agree [15]

  • Vincent Rodrigues, Bengaluru/Katapadi

    Fri, Aug 17 2018

    Excellent motivating article indeed and we do look forward many more similar articles to tackle the burning social stigmas

    Agree [17]

  • Joswin, Mumbai

    Fri, Aug 17 2018

    Very informative article.

    Agree [14]

  • Mangalurian, Mangaluru

    Fri, Aug 17 2018

    Wait until your girlfriend turns 40 before marrying her...

    ...very little energy left to cause any havoc.

    The ship will sail smoothly.

    Agree [19]

  • G R PRABHUJI, Mangalore

    Fri, Aug 17 2018

    According to me most of the marriages are disturb because of Mobile. After introduction of Mobile phone, I think it is more.

    Agree [26]

  • Elwyn Goveas, Valencia

    Fri, Aug 17 2018

    The only way to LASTING LOVE is to forgive each other frequently no matter how many times and keep loving and caring for each other.

    Agree [18]

  • Veena, Udyavar

    Fri, Aug 17 2018

    Dear Sister Judy
    very good article.

    Agree [16]

  • Joyce, Bangalore

    Fri, Aug 17 2018

    Very informative and useful article.
    Thank you Sr Judy

    Best wishes

    Agree [13]

  • Dr Urban D'Souza, Professor & Head, Faculty of Medicine Malaysia, Udyavar/Malaysia

    Fri, Aug 17 2018

    Very informative and good article on marital relations. Keep up Sr Lewis
    Regards

    Agree [20]

  • Jossey Saldanha, Mumbai

    Fri, Aug 17 2018

    Most of our Ladies have this Problem ..

    Agree [30]


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