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Sex & Money: The No.1 Reason why Couples Fight |
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| Rediff |
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March 5, 2008
 Sex and money consistently rank among the top two reasons why couples fight. In both cases, one member of the group just can't seem to get enough of what he or she views as a scarce commodity.
However, arguments about money, according to nearly every survey on the topic, generally win out as the top issue. In fact, according to a booklet entitled Making Marriage Last, which is published by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, problems relating to financial matters are a major reason why marriages break down.
The facts
Managing your finances is a chore. Like all the chores that couples need to complete (everything from cutting the grass and taking out the trash to washing the dishes and cleaning the bathroom), the division of labor is rarely 50/50.
When it comes to money, one spouse may be more interested in managing it while the other is interested in spending. Sometimes, one spouse won't even talk or think about the topic.
The less interested spouse often views money as a means of control and may believe that the person holding the purse strings gets to make the decisions. While the essence of that view point is accurate, the person managing money often views saving instead of spending as merely the proper way of staying out of debt and never thinks about it terms of control.
Because it is possible for people to have such very different views about money, sometimes its best to seek common ground before discussing exactly how this week's paycheck will be spent. (To learn how to set up a budget, check out our Budgeting 101 feature.)
The rules
To keep money from becoming an obstacle in your relationship, you need set the ground rules for how your household will handle the topic. Put these rules in place before you enter into a spending-related dispute. The middle of an argument is not a great place to try and come to a consensus.
Some good basic rules for how you and your spouse will interact when it comes to making decisions about how your money will be spent include:
1. Don't hide it.
2. Don't lie about it.
While your spouse won't be too happy about you spending $300 on a new putter or high-end purse, you shouldn't attempt to cover up or lie about your new expenditure. Relationships based on truth are far stronger than those based on deceit.
Once you've both agreed to be honest, you need a way to break stalemates when it comes time to make decisions. The best choice here is that consensus rules. Of course, if you can't find common ground on a particular decision, you should agree in advance that prudence takes precedence.
With prudence as your guideline, you will be more likely to make the choice to save instead of spend when you can't agree that spending is a good idea. Setting up a budget can be a great way to develop a mutually agreed upon vision of your spending and saving habits.
If you set the rules but still can't come to an agreement, consider counseling. Arguing can often be unproductive, and throwing up your hands and walking away accomplishes nothing.
Sometimes an impartial moderator can help frustrated couples see eye to eye. The key is to stay engaged in the process as you develop spending habits that you are happy with as a couple and as an individual.
However, if you dislike dealing with money so much that you willingly delegate all responsibility for spending-related decisions, be willing to live with the consequences of your decision. It's not fair to your partner if you don't help and won't stay engaged, but still complain.
Team work
Making decisions about money is part of building a life together. Building should be a constructive process, so you need to work together, not in oppo |
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READ 'Tips for life ARCHIVES'
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| Comments on this article |
| Danny, Mumbai | Saturday, December 01, 2012 |
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| Preeti, I think you have to lots of homework regarding the marriage. Because as per you a woman is still a soft toy or a fragile thing to be handled with care, which is wrong. If a woman wishes she can be as strong as Mary Kom, who won the boxing medal in the gone by olympics. So, do not have the perception that woman do not have a role to play in marriage. In fact it's the duty of both the couples to work the marriage hand in hand and support each other in everything. And I am sorry if you think sex and money are the last things in a marriage you are completely an outdated or may be not so educated about this topic in this current world. Thank you so much. |
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| Sujata Suvarna, Bombay/UAE | Wednesday, May 26, 2010 |
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| Yes money and sex is but also the main ingredient is trust, there are husbands who behave as a CID at home, keeping watch on each n everything that his wife does, wherein from top to bottom the husband himself is a fake guy.A wife more then money and sex needs is respect, but when she is not respected, loved taken care and sidelined in the family there starts the hatred. |
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| Manju Singh, Dehradun | Wednesday, May 26, 2010 |
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| yes,I agree with this article.These are the only topics for which couples fight.According to me,planning is the best thing by which these fight can be minimised.Both the members have to control on their mind for blaming each other.this will be better for their and their's childrens future. |
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| preethi, mumbai | Wednesday, May 05, 2010 |
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| I totally do not agree with extramarital affairs , yes do agree that marriage realtionship breaks up due to this, but the important factor is that, if man is the super duper power , he shuld make his woman happy in both ways, and also respect her, not treat her like a slave, or make things complicated i think if these things are done , no marriages would break, actually its all in mans hand, not in women, women is emotional, sensitive and lovabble, she tunes like the man does, but when she is not respected, loved taken care and sidelined in the family , these things occur.Hope this message has passed to the world, love is everything with that respect follows, money and sex is lastttttttt in the relationship to start with. |
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| navin, Mangalore | Friday, February 19, 2010 |
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| i do agree with you. A pure lack of understanding and the absence of sacrifying nature together have caused many marriages to break. When money becomes more important in any relationship the basic foundation of love and marriage is lost. |
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| Oliver Mark D' Souza, Dubai / Bajpe, Mangalore. | Sunday, March 09, 2008 |
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Well,I do not agree with the idea that sex and money are the only reasons for couples to fight. I believe many marriages fail due to the fact that couples today have failed to understand the true spirit of marriage.Sacrifice is what makes a perfrct relationship.
Relationships fail when both husband and wife make demands and are not ready to come to terms with each others strengths and weaknesses. self-centredness and assertion of the personal views do go a long way in developing problems in couples life. Comparrisons with the society in terms of wealth, achievements and calibres do add to the misunderstandings with the couple. |
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| JOACHIM DSOUZA, KARKALA | Saturday, March 08, 2008 |
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| Money & Sex not only the reason to fight the couples. Now a days extra marital relations are causing the fight between them. And Bcos of mobile phones doubt comes up, and slowly it's grows to dispute, that's all |
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| ShivaPrasad Ariga, Oman | Thursday, March 06, 2008 |
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| Not only Couples ,The whole world is fighting for Sex & Money . |
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| Rasheed, Uppinangadi | Thursday, March 06, 2008 |
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In a civilized society the marriage of a man and a woman is not just a financial and physical arrangement of living together but a sacred contract, a gift of God, to lead a happy, enjoyable life and continue the lineage. The main goal of marriage is the realization of tranquility and compassions between the spouses. So that a marriage must be approached with utmost seriousness, entered with the purest intent, and cultivated religiously as it does not come cheaply.
If woman has domestic responsibilities then she should not have financial obligation and the economical responsibility should be on the shoulders of the man. |
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| A.D'Cunha Shenoy, Mangaluru | Thursday, March 06, 2008 |
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Human relations are strange. Today there is love and affection and tomorrow there is hate. Its very much true in western nations. Perhaps in India it is less. There is some truth in this article but at last what counts is how couples behave and why both are married for. Is it for money or for something else, whatever that is like property, status, etc. When that is not sufficient and not available then there are problems and ultimately consequences.
CC are a menace today and a mental game. Its basicaly spend and pay without cash rather than pay and spend with cash. The former is cash less and I call it deficit financing and people go on spending without having control and end up in debts. When someone pays cash they know and perhaps think twice before shedding the cash and this is equity financing. And household financing the latter is better. |
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| Dennis Menezes, Jeddah, Saudi Arabia | Thursday, March 06, 2008 |
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| It seems sex and money is the root cause to all the conflicts in married life.But it isn't. If there true love between the spouses,you can solve all money related problems amicably .The most important thing in married life is to live with content and trust each other. |
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| anon, USA | Thursday, March 06, 2008 |
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"Peer Pressure" is also a contributor to the fight. We are constantly compared and measured and have lost the ability to just live well. Our life is calculated by vacations taken, money earned , money spent and this has become the common topic in every conversation.
I guess we are lacking appreciation, we still have the colonial attitude of being ranked and never appreciated for simply trying. We should shed this and go back to living with basics, that is what I am into and trust me it is very satisfying and keeps arguments and fights out of the house. |
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| BB-Leo, Australia | Wednesday, March 05, 2008 |
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| It is true to say that sex and money is a target. But let me tell you that in Australia there are other matters such us alcohol, gambling, rapes,divorces, drugs etc. Feminism is 'Power of Tower' and is commanding the matrimonials all around the country. Yes, plastic cards are now in fashion and majority householders couldn't keep up with it. when husband come home drunk the argument is starting. When wife is drunk it is the same story. Boyfriend and girlfriend business is another target for split up. The world is now in 'Z' age, and you just have to take it. |
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| S.Hameed, Mangalore | Wednesday, March 05, 2008 |
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| This may be true in U.S ,not in India. Fight because of Money issue is less in India. |
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| Alfred J. Rebello, Kundpaur/Dubai | Wednesday, March 05, 2008 |
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Well. Well. The parting due to sex difficiency, one can understand because sex is part of married life. But parting just because of lack of money without justifying the reason is foolishness. One can understand be it Husband or wife, having money and not make use of it for the family stability then they fight each other. But, if there is not enough money earned then one should learn to live with it if they want to continue their married life. There are many who spend more than their earnings by borrowing (Mercy of latest technology) and then the problems starts.
Nowadays implementing plastic money by means of Credit cards or CC, But I would call them Debit cards because you are always charged for it inlcuding interest and other hidden charges made more seperations. One will never know the consequences when buying.
But problems starts when paying back. For me CC stands for 'CASH & CATCH'. And this is the main reason for departing when one is not in position to pay and most of the time that person is the Husband because he is considered to be provider. Therefore, we will find many seperations unless we learn to live with our limits. |
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