March 10, 2007

Travelling with the Team India on their early morning flight to West Indies was my wife, who had never before played or watched a game of cricket. When she informed me of her selection in the official delegation to travel with the team,  I was flabbergasted.

“But I have never seen you playing or watching cricket before,” I told her as a matter of fact.  “As far as I know, Golf, Squash and Tennis had been your favourite sports?”

She just smiled at me. “Don’t make a fool of yourself,” - she said. “To be in a Team India delegation, one does not need to be a player or a fan of cricket. I am going there on a special assignment”      

“I am sure you have an objective in mind as well,” I said.

“Hell with your objective,” snapped my wife. “As if all the players in the World Cup have an objective!  I am going there because, of all the places in the world, I have never visited the Caribbean Islands. I would love to see Jamaica, Barbados and of course, Trinidad. If possible I wish to meet Sir V S Naipaul, the great Indian writer who has settled there but unfortunately disowns his Indian origin. I wish to find out the reasons behind his frustration about our country.”

“But tell me what is the secret behind your inclusion in the official delegation? I am sure they must have observed some kind of merit in you which I am not aware of?”

“There you have come to the point,” - said my wife quite ecstatically. “I am supposed to be counselling the chief counselling officer assigned to make sure that General Pawar’s list is being followed religiously by all the players”

“What this list is all about?” I asked her. “Could you please enlighten me on that?”

“You are as ignorant as Suresh Kalmadi on cricket management,” said my wife. “You may not even know that General Musharraf of Pakistan impressed upon our General Pawar of BCCI with his list of common interest. After all, we have agreed to share the important information that helps us march together in peace”

“What are the contents in the list?” I asked her out of curiosity.

My wife showed me a long list of  do’s and don’ts of ethics and etiquettes which the players were to follow during the cricket World Cup.”

“Can I go through the list?” - I asked her.

“By all means,” she said. “But read them loudly and clearly enough so that I can acquaint myself with the rules of the game. Also read only the broad headings and ignore the description. I will read it once the World Cup gets over.”

I followed my wife’s instructions, as usual. 

- Do your best at all situations such as rain, earthquake, a war or an internal squabble; show best possible professionalism - especially with your opposite team in general and with Pakistani team in particular;

- If any of the players from the opposite camp speak in a provocative language, let him do that; if possible pray for their well-being.
- Don’t miss a chance to smile at the general public; talk highly about your country, however deeper your hatred may be;
- Learn to sing your national anthem to its last word; you may be asked to sing it more often;
- Dress diligently; whenever you feel like answering the nature's call, enter the right place where ‘gents’ signs are displayed and not the opposite;
- When you enter a supermarket, don’t get tempted to lift anything without paying, even if it’s a pair of socks or underwear. There are hidden cameras everywhere. 

“But what is a nature’s call?” I demanded to know from my wife. .

“It is more critical than a Satan’s call," she said,  “Now you may please continue reading the list. I am supposed to take the early morning flight”.

I continued - Don’t mess up with your hairstyle!

“But what about Dhoni, he should not be in the team?” I commented.

“He has special permission from the President of India,” clarified my wife. “According to the President, not even a street dog has the right to comment on one’s hair style, however bad it may look!”

- Cut your nails every day, take a daily shower; don’t let your underwear (specially if its ‘LUX’) peep out of your shorts.
- Get up everyday at 4 and do yoga’

I stopped for a while and said - “I did not know that a cricketer’s life can be as horrible as hell.”

“That’s the beauty of cricket,” said my wife.  “It’s all right if they do not perform on the field at all. But off the field, they are expected to follow certain ethics which they normally don’t while playing in their home country”

“Now its time to read the don’ts” – I said.

”Please do that quickly?” - told my wife.

I read from the list: 

• Don’t ever smile at a stranger else you will end up linked to a bookie; even if you spot an Aishwarya or a Neena Gupta among the crowd, behave as if you are seeing them the first time, until Abhishek or Vivian Richards brings them over to introduce.
• Don’t open up too much to Pakistani Press; they can be up to any mischief; they have not spared even their own President; 
• Don’t tease any girl in your hotel lobby; she might turn up being a girlfriend of one of your co-players or a member in your delegation;
• Don’t ever discuss cricket during the break time - this task has been already assigned to unsuccessful cricketers such as Kambli, Sidhu and Jadeja. If they earn their livelihood by gossiping over cricket, you have no right to curtail their career;
• Don’t think about your modelling assignment during net practice; you will be given time to follow up with your agent regarding your shooting schedule, payment, etc.
• Don’t give too many statements or promises, it's no more a print media but the e-media that rules the game. They are quite capable of recording each promise and relaying hundred times before you would have signed your own suicide note; 
• And last but not the least, whenever you play against a weaker team such as Netherlands, Scotland or Ireland, see that you have broken all the previous records and created new ones in the cricketing history – whether in terms of highest runs, wickets, sixers or centuries for that matter?”

As I came to the end of the list I asked my wife a last question:

“You said that General Musharraf is the writer of this script. Then what would he have written for his own Team Pakistan?”

“He has written exactly the same but his ‘Do’s’ replace our ‘don’ts and vice versa. But for such a wonderful administrator he is, besides the list, he has inserted a small memo in each player’s hand before they left for the airport;

“And what was written in the memo?”

“If you bring the World Cup, I promise you a furnished villa in Dubai; if not, you will find yourself in ‘No Man’s Land’ and not in Pakistan. Then on, you will only see day-dreams of returning to your homeland like Nawaz Sharif and Benazir.”

(More on ‘World Cup Cricket’ in next column – as reported by my wife from the Caribbean Island)

Author Hemacharya can be contacted at: hemacharya@daijiworld.com