November 26, 2006

As we are fast approaching the year end, I decided to consult an Astrologer to find out what the coming year will hold for us. I met a graceful old man in his mid-seventies, who introduced himself as a celebrity.

“I don’t need to meet a celebrity but a simple fortune-teller,” I told him.

“But I am the one you are searching for” he assured me. “I am an all rounder - a celebrity in Palmistry, Numerology, and above all an Astrologer!  I can predict your past, presence and the future. There may be many who will predict your future after going through your past but I am different. I am blessed with the special skills of predicting your past after peeping through into your future.”

“Sounds great,” I told him. “But to be very honest I only wish to know a few things of common interest, more so pertaining to my professional life.”

“Certainly,” said the fortune teller. “If you have read my profile, you will be surprised. Do you know who predicted the downfall of Saddam Hussein?

 “I don’t quite remember” I told him. “Must be Bejan Daruwalla, the self-acclaimed star Astrologer from Mumbai?”

“You are mistaken,” said the Astrologer. “That was me”

“But was it after Saddam was fished out of rat’s hole or before that? For that matter I remember the moment Saddam was caught, the whole world was predicting his doom. That was quite natural.”

“No, no,” said the Astrologer. “I had predicted his end much before that. To be very precise, as soon I K. Gujral shook hands with him in Kuwait I had predicted that his days were numbered. Do you know Gujral was the only diplomat of a third country to meet Saddam on the battleground?”

“I am sure he had a secret agenda,” I said.

"One cannot dispute the fact that the majority of the ones stranded in Kuwait were Indians”

“Hell with his agenda,” said the Astrologer. “I told Chandrasekhar, the then Prime Minister of India, to dispatch him right away as all the stars were in our favour”.

“Including the Star of America?” I asked him. “I have my own doubts. I believe, the Bush Senior termed India’s action as ‘Double Standard diplomacy?”

“Let’s forget about Bush the senior and talk about his son, the junior” said the Astrologer. “Do you know his days are numbered too”?

“I thought so after the Democrats have captured the senate majority."

“Not because of Senate majority,” he corrected me. ” Simply because he is very bad in Numerology”

“Do you mean to say that he doesn’t know the total of two plus two?”

“You’re an idiot,” said the Astrologer. “According to Ganesha he is going through a very bad phase in his life’

“Who is Ganesha?” I asked him. “Are you referring to our south Indian dance directors, Ganesh Acharya or Ganesh Hegde who are riding high these days because of Karan Johar?

“No,” said the Astrologer.  “I am referring to the Lord Ganesha, the Vighneshwara and the Vighna Vinashaka, the one who takes the evil out of this world’

“Why can’t he then take both Bush and Saddam out of this world so that others can live peacefully?”

Such a shrewd Astrologer he was, he quickly changed track of his conversation. 

“Do you know who predicted Amitabh Bachhan’s return?”

“Return from where? Was he a non-resident Indian?”

“Don’t be silly,” said the Astrologer. “I am talking about his professional career graph. Look, there are many bees in this world – Bush, Bradman, Bond, Bergman, Beethoven, Bhimsen, Busybee, and so on, but why the hell Amitabh is called the Big B?

“There must be some valid reason.”

“Simply because Libra is associated with his star. I had predicted his ‘comeback’ as early as in 1999 and I am sure you have read my forecast published by ‘Outlook”

When I replied in the negative, he pushed a copy of ‘Outlook’ into my hands.

Quite rightly he had predicted thus – “There is good news for this suave, savvy gentleman from the North, he will make his mark and will comeback to a red carpet welcome. He will have happiness, success, and very surprisingly, he is going to meet the same conditions which prevailed at the time of his birth. He will be a much respected elder and will continue to make waves till 2007. But the paradox is, ill health and separation will also be an integral part of his life, - says Ganesha”.

“I don’t quite understand this,” I told him. “First of all you are attributing everything to Ganesha, who is not visible to depend himself and secondly nowhere have you mentioned the name of this suave and savvy gentleman form the north?”

The Astrologer was very much annoyed. He said, “Gentleman, please do not challenge my professional skills. We Astrologers are forbidden to call the clients by name. We can either address someone as ‘that lanky fellow, or that boy from the north or Virar, or that superstar or that ‘father of two kids’ and so on”.

“That way you are leading others unto confusion?”

“Why?”

“During the year you had predicted the future of Amitabh, three more cine stars jumped out of joy, presuming that you have predicted their future.”

“Who are they?”

Mithun Chakraborty, Kanwaljit Singh and Raj Babbar – they also descended from the North, suave and lanky, and were equally at the crossroad of life, like Amitabh!”

“It is news to me” said the Astrologer. “I was not aware that so many stars have trust in my professional skills. By the way, do you have their contact number? If they wish I can still revert them to their professional career?”

“I don’t think they are interested anymore,” I told him. “It’s too late as they have already accumulated a few kilos around their waist. But the ones who would really require your counselling are the members of our cricket team, Sachin and Ganguly in particular”

The Astrologer’s eyebrows went up. “Don’t you know, gentleman,” he asked me. “I was the first to advise Sachin to change his numbering strategy. Following my advice, he changed his jersey number to 33 with good effect-93 and he scored an unbeaten 67 in the first two ODI’s against Sri Lanka, post-surgery. Of course I don’t wish to take credit for his runs but one thing is certain, the change in number helped him overcome his tennis elbow. The rule of 33 is so lucky for him as 33 makes six which matches with his birth date, April 24 (2+4=6)”.

Seeing my mouth wide open, he added,  "Six is the number of Venus which indicates soft energy and is appropriate for mature people like him. But I must admit one thing here, that the other boy Ganguly is just the opposite. I told him to go for number 21 that signifies the Jupiter sign. But such a headstrong player he is, he insulted me saying he has better astrologers in Calcutta. Anyway, let him enjoy his isolation now, if he doesn’t give a damn to his Coach, who am I to convince him?”

“Just leave him alone,” I told him as I was getting out of my head. “Tell me how the New Year would fare for certain celebrities.”

“You name them and I will read their stars” said the Astrologer in total confidence.

“Brad Pitt and Angelina Jollie?”

”They will split by next year and there will be dispute regarding possession of their six children.”.

“But they have only three now”

“By next year they will adopt three more, one from India, the other from Pakistan and a third one from Afghanistan. These days, adopting children from poor countries is considered a ‘status symbol’. Poor children are seen as mementos just the way we the low-profile ones pick up plates, mugs and keychains as mementos.”

“How about Bill Clinton?”

“Since his wife will be a contender for presidency, he will settle down in India to campaign for her.”

“But why in India?”

“That is a top-level secret,” said the Astrologer in a low voice. "You know well, if Democrats have to win a seat in the States, the votes from Americans of Indian origin are crucial. Hence it is decided that Clinton would visit “Old Age Homes" throughout India, so that the parents living there appeal to their children in the States to elect Hilary. Quite simple.”

“What about Musharraf?”

“He will flout his own political party around next year and will become its founder President whereas both Benazir and Nawaz will come back to join him as Vice-Presidents.”

“Osama Bin Laden?”

“Is he a celebrity?”

“Sort of”

“He will remain in Pakistan but his autobiography will be a best-seller and will be more infamous than Musharaf’s; but for wrong reasons. Do you know why?’

“Why?”

“Simply because the book will have a foreword written by George W Bush, who will have nothing else to do by then.”