October 22, 2006

Ever since I have started this column, a good number of mobile messages and emails are pouring in informing of my selection to receive an incredible amount of interest free loan.

Just read this email, which I received a few days ago:

Dear Stakeholder,

I am happy to inform that your longstanding desire to own a property just adjacent to the palace of Prince of Monaco has finally come true. We have sanctioned a 99-year interest free loan of US Dollars 27.6 million with a minimum processing fees. If this offer makes any sense to you please give us a call on our toll free number (so and so) and you will be the luckiest person to receive this loan among a million applicants.

Yours truly,
Melinda Pears Jones

I became too greedy to resist the temptation. For that matter one doesn’t get such an offer every day. As my wife was not around for usual consultation, I gave a long distance call without being aware of its destination. 

After a few cat calls, the receiver at the other end came on line.

‘Hello, this is Melinda Pears Jones, Can I be of any help to you”

“Yes of course, Madame” I said in full dignity. “I just happened to read your email concerning a 99-year interest free loan offer. I wish to have further information on this, please?”

“Deal or No Deal?”

“Full one hundred percent Deal” I said without wanting to know what she meant.

“Of course, of course” said the voice at the other end, probably of Melinda Pears Jones’.

“Now tell me gentleman, what is your nationality?”

“That is a tricky question, Madame” I told her as a matter of fact. “I do believe I am an Indian by birth but my compatriot’s back-home, do not think so. They feel I am a refugee either migrated from Bihar, Southern India, Bangladesh or a country which they hate to talk about. Somehow they are hell bent to prove that I don’t belong to their country”

“That’s a bloody shame,” she said. “But are you sure you belong to a country which Michael Jackson visited a few years ago?”
“Exactly” I said in full excitement. “And you will be happy to know that both Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are at the moment enjoying our hospitality in Pune by riding in an auto rickshaw along with their children”

 “How nice” said the voice. “But tell me gentleman, don’t you have any other, better mode of transport in your country?”

“Of course, we do have” I told her. “We have the best of Rolls Royce’s, which Bhagwan Rajneesh left behind. We have the Cadillac’s which the Sultan of Brunei left behind, we have those vintage Mercedes Benz’s that the Prince of Wales left behind, the best of BMW’s, Mazda’s and Hondas, but we can’t help if Angelina prefers to ride in an auto rickshaw after they failed to find a bullock-cart for her”

“But I was talking about Michael Jackson who miss-spelt the name of your sacred country as “INDA?”

“Just leave him alone” I said. “He is capable of doing anything. I am scared to comment further, as he was invited by none other than the protector of Hindutva, Bala Saheb Thackeray”. 

“Who is he?”  She wanted to know.

“Forget about him,” I said. “He has his own problems. At the moment he is in a dilemma himself and not sure which party he belongs to, whether the one led by his son or his nephew”

But Melinda (I guess) was not going to give up.

“Gentleman” she said “Just now you mentioned to me about Baghbaan, a movie that I saw and enjoyed immensely. Is that lanky Longfellow who acted as a father, is the ‘Father of your Nation’?”

“You are going out of your track, Madame” I reminded her. “First of all, let me tell you that I mentioned about Bhagwan Rajneesh who always felt he is an Indian whereas my compatriots believed otherwise. Moreover, I don’t think I have anything to do with that lanky father. I only wish to inquire about your 99-year interest free loan offer?”

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“Well” said the voice at the other end. - “May I have your application number please?”

“Err, what does that mean?” I asked her.

“I mean, what is the number of your application please?”

“I don’t think I have any” I told her. “I never applied for any loan in the first place?”

“What?” said the voice!  ”Why did you not mention about it in the beginning? You have wasted my valuable time and you must realize that ‘Time is Money’!”

“But you never asked for one” I argued.

By then my wife appeared on the scene and she instructed me to hang the phone down there and then.

“Are you gone broncos?” she asked me. “Don’t you know this is a trap to hike our telephone bills?”

“But I was supposed to get a 99-year interest free house loan which was to put us up next to the Prince of Monaco’s palace”

“Bloody shit” said my wife. “Now you will be mad to know what happened with me in the past six months”

“What happened?”

“You were hell bent to find out how telephone charges are sky rocketing; didn’t you?”

“Of course, I did”

“Because I had been talking to an unknown person, three hours every day for the past six months”

“What? Are you gone mad?”

“But the deal was so attractive darling; anyone worth my salt would have gone mad by now”

“What was the deal?”

“It was related to the fortunes of a former dictator of Uganda! They wanted to transfer the funds to my bank account after failing to locate the bona fide beneficiary”

As I was getting red, Tarzan, our Dog entered.

“Anyone is interested to invest in a 100% guaranteed mutual fund?” – inquires the Dog as we see at each other.

 “Please do not misunderstand me,” says the Dog. “First of all, you know well, I don’t trust these human beings, but the voice on the other side was too attractive to resist. She spoke about a mutual fund that was already been subscribed by a billion investors around the globe”

“Bloody cut the line off,” screamed my wife on top of her voice. “Don’t forget that you’re using my mobile. I warn you idiot, don’t ever entertain such a call which would cost us a fortune”

“But Madame” says the Dog. “It’s a Toll free number, I am told”

 “Bloody shut your mouth off,” screamed my wife. 

By then we saw a few Cops walking into our portico.

“Who are they?” I asked my wife in utter shock and surprise.

My wife who came back after talking to the cops had turned yellow as if she has contracted the fever from the African continent. In a low, descending voice she said:

“They are here to investigate our links to an underground ‘Scam Team’ that operates from the Isle of Man. They claim to have tracked down our telephone numbers on their ‘Secret Network’”.