June 14, 2006

Our dog the Tarzan was not to be seen for the past few days. This wasn’t the first time, though. Being brought up in an affluent family, our dog had developed strange ways of enjoying life. And there were ample options available.

Tarzan’s passion for late night parties, merry making in the company of friends (especially from the opposite sex) was nothing new for us. Although I did not approve of it personally, my wife would restrain me from taking any corrective action. Instead she would constantly blackmail me saying what if Tarzan feels bad, what if Tarzan commits suicide, what if Tarzan runs away along with a bitch from our neighborhood and so on.  I was as helpless as any other guardian within our community.  But some of my old friends would fill my ears with some extra piece of information that Tarzan, of late is developing a taste for drugs and so on.

We looked around everywhere – near the bus stop where Tarzan would frequent, within the deep of wells and ponds, the courtyards of neighborhood houses where most of Tarzan’s mistresses lived. But to no avail.

My wife refused to eat or drink. She resumed her indefinite fast. She wanted her Tarzan home, right away.

I tried to pacify her. “Don’t behave like Medha Parker” – I told her. “At least drink a glass of orange juice!” 

But my wife did not relent and completed her first day of fasting. My sugar level was coming down.

The next day I told her – “Look you have no one except me around to plead to give up your indefinite fast. Gandhiji had Moulana Azad and Nehru alongside to plead whenever the former went unto fasting. Vinoba Bhave had Indira Gandhi to air dash all the way from New Delhi to persuade.

But my wife would not give up. She wants her Tarzan and nothing less.

The next day, to my great relief, Tarzan made the great appearance.

“Where the hell you been, Tarzan?” I was furious to know.

“I was called by my High Command” Tarzan said.  There was dust and disgust painted large on the face.  “…..And you may be surprised to know that I have just resigned to my party”

Resigned to the party? Which party had my dog as a member? And which post Tarzan held prior to resigning? -  I was damn curious to find out.

“The post is not important so long one is committed to a common minimum programme” said Tarzan.

But which portfolio Tarzan was handling before tendering the resignation, was my next question.

“Look” Tarzan said. “When there can be ministers without portfolio in Indian government, why one would need a portfolio to resign? Have you not heard of our first Prime Minister?

“Pandit Jawaharlal Nehru, I guess”

“Exactly! He had 53 ministers in his cabinet and most of them were without a portfolio. You may have enjoyed the cartoon by eminent cartoonist R.K Laxman showing Nehru in a Musician’s role - playing the major musical instruments himself”. 

“Really?” I said out of ignorance.

“And did you not hear about his daughter?”

“You mean, Priyadarshini?”

“I have not heard of any Priyadarshini. Did Nehru have any other daughter besides Indira Gandhi?

“Indira was also called Priyadarshini’.

“That’s alright with me” said Tarzan. “Do you also know that she retained Babu Jagjjivan Ram and H. N. Bahuguna for so long without giving them a portfolio?” 

“But why? I am sure they were quite capable”

“Question is not of capability but integrity. Mrs. Gandhi was quite sure that both of them would jump the pence anytime. And now look at that blue eyed boy of Soniaji from the South, Oscar Fernandes, a minister without portfolio. How funny?”

“I am sure he is happy without a Portfolio” I said.

“Why not? If there is no portfolio then there are no hassles of maintaining statistics of programme implementation”

As I smelled too much of ‘politics’ in Tarzans statement, I tried to divert his mind into a different subject.

What will be Tarzan’s next move having been out of previous party?

“I am going to launch a new party”

“What? Who are the members and the President of new Party?”

“I have already nominated myself to be the Life-time President as I do not have any member at the moment. Once I have inducted new members I am not sure of being elected as a President. Don’t think I am a fool”

“Can I be a member?” I asked. I think my question caught my dog, off guard.

“What is your track record? Have you ever committed a crime, misappropriated public funds or  rigged the ballots?”

“Never” I said. “I have all along lived a very decent life”

“Have you ever got into any sex scandal, sandalwood scandal, night club scandal or such?”

“No way” I said. “I don’t even know the difference between sandalwood and a scandal”

“Do you smoke, drink alcohol, smell cocaine, marijuana or whatever that Rahul Mahajan smelled?”

“This is too bad questionnaire” I told my dog. “You know me very well, I never smelled anything. Not even the Madras Snuff”

“How about your marital life. Has my beautiful Madame been your first, second and last faithful wife”

“I don’t know about her. But I had been her faithful husband. I never looked at another lady in my whole life”

“Then” said the dog. “I am very sorry to inform you, Sir, you don’t qualify to become a member of my new party. You better sit at home and follow the instructions of your wife”