' On Forgiveness...






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On Forgiveness...
By Melissa Nazareth

December 15, 2011

A lot has been spoken about forgiveness, easy to talk about but difficult to practice, this forgiveness. It has taken sinners to heaven and brought saints to their knees, this forgiveness. 

John Gray, in one of his books, talks of how men and women deal differently with the forgiveness. A man needs time out; time to see his role in the situation. A woman on the other hand needs an acknowledgement of her pain; an understanding of the hurt that has been caused to her. 

The act in it self is not the barrier.  All one needs, to initiate the process, is the willingness. What pose the challenge are the distasteful memories attached to the episode. They have an uncanny knack of stirring up within us. If only the neo cortex evolved before the amygdala! That brings us to Horace Walpole’s belief that life is a comedy for those who think and a tragedy for those who feel. The synonymous with humour, P G Wodehouse quoted, “Memories are like mulligatawny soup in a cheap restaurant. It is best not to stir them.” Then how does one deal with them? May be communication is a good option!

Micchami Dukkadam, 70 times 7, Tefila Zaka, Astaghfiru, Ho’oponopono… These ideas, put up by various forms of faith, advocate the same gallant act - Forgiveness (The forgiveness). It demands an understanding of oneself and that of another. Many a time hurtful actions are a reaction to the void within oneself. The one who is offended needs to be sensitive to this void thus focusing more on it than on the pain caused. It also helps to know that in most cases, the forgive-ee is hurt much more than is the forgiver. Memories wouldn’t cease to swarm our minds but letting go of the pain renders them powerless in a way that they can never haunt us.  In the Mahabharata Vidura rightfully exclaims in his address to Dhritarashtra, “…what is there that forgiveness cannot achieve?” 

Easier said than done, forgiveness is a gift that we give ourselves. It is only by forgiving another that we can liberate ourselves. It takes a lot of humility to pardon; then be it pardon to another or to oneself. In the end though, mustering the courage to manifest the divine virtue of humility is the road to tread for all it is worth. Try it; you’ll only be doing yourself a favour!

 

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Comments on this article
aniruddha, barodaFriday, May 03, 2013
Ms Melissa, You rightly said forgiveness is easier said than done. As they say in Hindi - " maaf karne wala hamesha bada hota hai." But it is my experience that most of the time rather than your forgiveness being appreciated, it is taken as your cowardice. What do you do in such a situation. It is so frustrating.
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Melissa Nazareth, MumbaiFriday, December 23, 2011
Hey Raj I hope when you say 'snake' you're metaphorically speaking :)

I think that it would be my job to be kind and good to the person who has hurt me after I forgive that person. Moreover, once there is healing which is followed by forgiveness, isn't goodness effortless?

Now, just in case you literally meant a snake forgiving the snake is one thing, though I wouldn't be forgiving but foolish if I cradled it! :)
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Raj, MangaloreThursday, December 22, 2011
Melissa, well written article. There is a area that is always tricky though. That is, let's say trivially, a snake bites you, you will forgive it saying that it is its nature. But will you entertain or cradle that snake again since you have forgiven ?
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RICHARD AND YVONNE PINTO, BENDORE LOBO LANE/MANGALOREWednesday, December 21, 2011
Having read your article it sounds very similar to one's own story in life. Forgiveness in my opinion is a thought when it is fresh has taken the resultant effect. Our greatest Teacher on this earth who lived and thought the people to forgive some 2000 years ago and to this date the words spoken and written then is still valid in our day to day lives. So well it has been said that forgiveness makes one liberated and free from bondage of ill feeling and guilt. After all we are all loving souls and we need to return to our only one creator who has sent us on this earth to wash our impurity and sin and rejoin him in pure spiritual soul.
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Simon Fernandes, KarkalaWednesday, December 21, 2011
Hi Charles, no one has attacked on the personal life of this lovely writer. People have the valid reasons to ask questions to when they seek an answer. What do mean by repent and to whom do you repent? If I have wronged you I should repent to God and then I should appologize for the wrong doing and ask for your forgiveness. I repented I applogized and you forgave me then it becomes living happily ever after not otherwise. If you repent to God and dont appolgize then the guilt will always haunt you.One very good example the people who attacked on our churches in mangalore have now repented to God but they have not appolgized thinking ( it does not matter whether the other party forgives you or not...!!!??? ) do you think you can live happily I guess no. In the Bible it says before you come to the temple check your self if you any issues with your brother make peace with your brother then do the offering to the living God.
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Charles D'Mello, PangalaWednesday, December 21, 2011
I don't think it is appropriate to attack the personal life of the writer..!!??? The idea of "forgiving is good" if you don't like it forget about it....a forgiver need not announce that he/she has forgiven you...she/he as forgiven you for her own benefit...if you have made a mistake, then you repent for it...it does not matter whether the other party forgives you or not...!!!??? I think this is the way one can live happily...!!???
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sunil dsa, permannur, dohaTuesday, December 20, 2011
Nice article it is really true wwhn we forgive each other then god will also forgive us our sins life will be beautiful
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Melissa Nazareth, MumbaiMonday, December 19, 2011
Hey Simon, I agree with the idea that 'to forgive' and 'to forget' are two sides of the same coin. I think that the ease with which we are able to do both varies according to the intensity of the hurt we have. In the example that you have cited, it may take ages and I don't really know if I would be able to do it. That said, the truth remains that it would be my duty to do it, at least start the process of forgiveness, so that at some point there is healing for both parties.

I have noted your suggestion and will definitely try and use more of my own quotes in my forth coming articles! :)
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Simon Fernandes, KarkalaMonday, December 19, 2011
Hi Melissa, nice article however I would rather like to read your own quotes than some other writers. Your own quotes make you very unique in your writing.One question for you Melissa if some one kills of your loved ones would you forgive the man and ask the court to release him as an act of forgiveness? I know it is not realistic you may forgive the man who killed your beloved ones but the moment you remember the loved ones you are reminded of the act of that killer. Forgiveness means you forgive and don't remember the act one has commited against you.
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Melissa Nazareth, MumbaiSaturday, December 17, 2011
Hey Marina, as I've mentioned in my article, forgiveness is easier said than done. I too have had tough times trying to forgive, both others and myself. In fact this article is inspired by my difficult experiences with forgiveness. That said,I believe,though tough repeated forgiving is not a mockery of forgiveness but the true essence of it. Prayer has helped me. I suggest that you to try it too. Please do tell me if it worked :)
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clarence, AikalaSaturday, December 17, 2011
A very nicely presented article.Yes it easy to say but when it comes to us to do that we will not forgive.
This is the greatest and perhaps the only great virtue that has been taught by the ever growing leader King of kings Jesus.The same virtue is taught to us by our mother {your , our mother, others mother) also by mother earth.
Thanks for strengthening this virtue in me.
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John DSouza, MangaloreFriday, December 16, 2011
Short and sweet write-up about a strong weapon – the forgiveness. It is not only forgives our own wrongs, but gives peace of mind, comfortable sleep, cures diseases unbelievably, performs wonders and miracles.
It is very hard and painful to forgive. Good fruit can be reaped only by hardship and sweat. Forgiveness is an excellent fruit of holy spirit, which can be obtained and experienced by peace and patience only.
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Marina, MumbaiFriday, December 16, 2011
Melissa i need ur suggestion,i beleive Forgivness is ment for the ones who do wrong and repent once forgived,a promise not to repeat again.what about a adultrous person repeatedly commiting adultry in presences of his fly after forgiving several times??? is it not a mockery of forgiveness??
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Melissa Nazareth, MumbaiFriday, December 16, 2011
Hey Julie, I forgive you!
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R.Bhandarkar, M'loreFriday, December 16, 2011
Melissa-Well written-but there is an adage which could have been alluded to here - Can Forgive but cannot forget'- The total encompassment of forgiveness has some meaning as it is complete,when only you are able to forget it in toto. The days of yore as regards 'forgiveness' may certainly not be relevant in these hectic days because of 'perceptions' and views held dear by each party concerned . The concept therefore as such may not have many 'takers'!
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julie dsouza, kalianpurFriday, December 16, 2011
hundred percent marks for you, spend some time for workig for you and your family, stop preaching , most of them are involved in preaching.dont just right articles to fill the gap, people are not straight forward so they do not comment straight , either they are scared or they want cotinue as life takes on.
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Boniface D' Souza, Fajir, ManglaloreThursday, December 15, 2011
Well your article is truely said we can talk a lot on forgiveness but difficult to forgiveness. I appriciate your article. May you have many more inpirations as these.
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Naveen, Cordel, M'loreThursday, December 15, 2011
Rightly said article and really true dear Ms. Melissa. It is very very difficult to forgive, but in the end surely pays back him or her by Almighty.
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A. S. Mathew, U.S.A.Thursday, December 15, 2011
Very interesting article. As human
nature is getting very proud every day due to the material and social
accomplishments they attain, a vast
majority of the people don't have
the attitude of "forgiving" but only bitterness and retaliation at
the worst form against their
enemies. Watch these kinds of
people, their end will be very
troublesome. Forgiving one another
is not timidity or weakness but
a divine nature of grace and
courage.
Comment on this message     

Edward, MangaloreThursday, December 15, 2011
Well said article. It takes courage for oneself to initiate. But in the end it pays back positively. Thank you Ms Melissa for your encouragement.
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