Jan 27, 2009

On my recent trip home in December, I had to attend so many functions especially weddings that I was fed up with them. I directly told my mom” Look Mummy, I will not get married. I don’t want to trouble all those poor souls who have come home for a holiday. People come home for a week or two for Christmas to be with their families and end up eating at fuctions almost everyday. I don’t want them to waste their precious day attending my wedding”. Mom just laughed at it. She knows me very well I suppose. She is also sure that one fine day, the same son will remind her about his wedding and probably a girlfriend too. Ironic isn’t it? 

As I was thinking about weddings (not mine, I am too young for such adventure), my mind wandered to olden days, olden in the sense about 15 years ago. The scenes of engagement, roce and wedding of my uncles were vivid in my memories. It was sheer fun .We were small kids then, running around the pendal playing hide and seek, fighting each other etc. Elders were busy doing arrangements, shouting at workers” Aye Koosa, Matav kedala zata”. “Dukor marla mu inaasaaman?”

Then my small mind came back to a recent wedding I attended. Everything was mechanical. As the guests entered the hall, they were being welcomed by the hosts with an artificial smile counting how many members have actually come, hoping the food ordered would be enough.

Times have changed. Mentality has changed; I can say it’s become worse. People are more concerned about themselves. What about our customs and traditions? They have changed too. When I asked my grandma about this, she explained her wedding to me and I am glad to say that though our lifestyle has changed, our traditions and customs are still intact with a little additions and deletions along the way. I ll take you through a wedding of the past, present and give a picture of the future too. Hope the details are correct and if I am wrong, please correct me.

Past:

Relatives (only two or max three, an elder of the community included) from the groom’s side would go to the potential bride’s house on the pretext of asking whether there is a cow or boat for sale. It was always the guy’s party taking the first step. Gradually they would stop beating around the bush and come closer to the bush. “Actually we need a girl for our son. Is there any girl around in your neighborhood?”. “Oh my God, Why neighborhood, we have a daughter who is just perfect for your son” prompt was the reply. I must say our elders were big time actors .When grandma was explaining this to us, my smart cousin questioned my granny “What if your daddy had said no?” If our elders were good actors, our younger generation is a smart lot, leaving people like me wondering what to do. 

Coming back to the rejection, according to my granny, the elders from the groom’s side would have done so much of background checks that they hardly entered the wrong house. In case they were wrong, there was always another house. Just like how our Romeos think “Ek gayi tho kya hua, aur ek mil jayegi”.90 out of 100 times, they would hit the bull’s eye. After this initial drama from the elders, after around 2 or 3 days, groom along with his uncles, aunties and sister would come to inspect the bride. Yes inspect. It seems they would be very happy if the girl is 16 years old. All you young girls consider yourselves lucky to have born in this period where guys are quite happy to marry girls older than themJ. Why I am telling this is at those times the guy’s age used to be anywhere between the age of 22 to 30. The day is not far when guys will have daughters who are 16 years old when they themselves turn 30!!!!.

After this inspection, the bride’s side would come for one final inspection to the groom’s side to check the status and capability of the family to look after their girl. According to my granny, the girl would be happy if it was a joint family, reason being, in those days sister in laws were considered a pain in the neck. The girl would hope that at least in a bigger family, there would be someone who would stand by her just in case. If the girl’s party is happy then next step would be dowry. We think there is no dowry in our community, but if we see the olden weddings there are instances where weddings had to be cancelled just for dowry. You would be shocked to know that the groom would take only cash as dowry. An amount anywhere between Rs1500 and Rs 2000 was considered huge. It’s heartening to know that dowry is completely abolished from our community, a fact which we all should be proud of

Now coming to the present weddings, almost all of them are love marriages. Youth of this generation never really want their elders to do all that drama and get insulted and kicked out of a stranger’s house. Cool.

The love will begin sometime in second year degree and go on till the wedding accompanied by numerous fights, most of the time through smses and phone calls. Parents from both sides will come to know about the affair from relatives, especially from the aunty whom the guy doesn’t like. And wonders of wonders she is the only one who sees him and his girlfriend coming out of Coffee day. Where are other relatives gone? And one more thing which eats my brain is why couples always want to go to Coffee day or Barista. Why don’t they try Kini maams hotel instead. It’s cheap. Seriously.

If it is an arranged marriage, then there is no change in the way the parties approach each other. Most of these approaching dramas happen during a mutual friend’s wedding and sometimes even at funerals.”Ah, your son must be 28 years now I guess; my sister-in law’s brother’s wife’s sister in law’s daughter is almost 24. Shall I ask them” Trust me; this matchmaking happens without our knowledge, behind our backs. Hectic discussions, planned meetings, my god. All this, without even asking whether the guy or the girl like each other. Similar to olden weddings in all respects, except the acting part which I mentioned earlier.

Now we are in a stage where both the past and the present stand on the same step. Only the wedding ceremony is awaited. Let’s look into that as well.

Earlier, Weddings used to take place for 2 days. The first day at the bride’s residence and the second day at the groom’s. I really didn’t have enough guts to ask my granny when the first night would happen.Anyways back to the topic; the bride’s dress was something called KIRGI BAAZU and a VEIL. In simple terms skirt, blouse and a veil. In complex terms  a saree worn below the waist without the ‘Pallu’ and ‘Baazu’ a long sleeved blouse, usually white. I tried to find pictures of Kirgi Baazu on the internet and never found actually, then I tried calling my sister’s friends who had worn KIRGI but all in vain. It would be very helpful if someone uploads pictures of this ‘gonna be extinct ‘attire. The groom wore KACCHA KUTAON (Similar to shervaani, but a bit short).No bouquets were exchanged and the best man never kissed the bride. Comparing present weddings to the earlier classical ones, there is no much change in customs and traditions, but what do I say about the dress! Girl wears a white gown, which sometimes fails to hide even those parts which the groom would be eagerly waiting to see. I am sorry if it hurts, but it seems to be true. Cannot blame girls alone, blame should be put squarely on guys as well who shamelessly look at these sexy girls with their eyes and mouth wide open. Thankfully in Mangalore we still can find well dressed girls. The groom wears a suit, a three piece most of the time showing off his Goti, I mean goatee or French beard. The   bestman always gets the first chance to kiss the bride and let me tell you, the idiot never lets the chance go waste.

The party would walk all the way to the church accompanied with a band. The bestman would shield the groom with a big umbrella (In Konkani it’s called Damaskaachi Satri, so I thought it could perhaps be an umbrella from Damascus. It would be very helpful if we get to know the exact meaning). After the church ceremonies, there would be a feast at the residence. Pork, bread and country made liquor ruling the menu. Nowadays the groom and the bride come to the church in imported cars and as they step out of the cars, there will be a thousand photographers clicking snaps. Even Princess Diana would not have got such an honor. 

Inside the church it will be the photographers calling shots instead of the poor priest. The priest will not be able to see the people, and the poor people cannot even see who the priest is. Poor people will be like a flock without a shepherd. There will be photographers in between the altar and the people. This results in utter chaos. It is wrong and is rightly banned in our diocese, but being such an important day in the couple’s life, one photographer should be allowed to click photographs from the altar.

After this chaos, there will be a reception in a hall or in an open air ground. There will be cake cutting, kissing, marching, more kissing and dancing to the tunes of the most famous music group of the town, none of which our elders followed. The entire wedding will be arranged and monitored by an event management group. The hosts will not even know what is on the menu.
 
Now a little discussion on the best man and the bridesmaid. It seems in olden weddings, the best man would be a married man and the bridesmaid would be a married lady. They were responsible for the wedding to take place smoothly. At present the best man is the grooms best friend, who will be busy line marofying the girls of the bride’s party. The bridesmaid will also be the bride’s best friend who will be busy trying to figure out which guy in the wedding looks the most handsome. I think I have criticized the modern weddings a bit too much. It’s just that a little more fun is added to modern weddings, basically people used to enjoy then, during weddings and the same is happening even now. So no worries. I think we have evolved rightly. Isn’t it? After writing all this, I seriously wonder whether a mangalorean girl will ever be my brideJ
 
What might happen in future? Thinking about this, parents might feel shivers down their spines. In future, the son maybe the best man for his dad and daughter might be the bridesmaid for her mom. If not this advanced, then at least we can witness kids being Page boy and flower girl for their parents. Of course it is all usual in western countries, but very unusual for our society. But the unusual can become usual. Almost all of the future weddings will be cost effective since couples exchange vows in front of the lawyer and a few of their friends. Only when the vows turn to blows will the parents come to know about their children and grandchildren and then there is a drama of forgiving, forgetting and living happily separately. Poor kid will be the victim being lucky (read unlucky) enough to witness its parents wedding and also the divorce.

In an age, where there are only 2 kids in a house, it’s of no use going against ones parents wishes and screwing up lives. Parents too are very liberal in modern times and wish only their child s happiness. So I think lovers should let their parents know about their partners well in advance so that they can LIVE EVER HAPPILY, just like Raj and Simran in Dilwale Dulhaniya le Jayenge. Cheers. Happy Valentines Day well in advance.

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