Special

Humour: Who the Hell are You?

August 19, 2016


When Mahesh Ahmed David (henceforth called Mad in this news) was taken to police station, it did not become big news as he was a small person. But later when the big names were mentioned in this small case, news gained bigger significance and thus appears here.

Mad was born as a poor man. Since Mad did not get any opportunity to become a politician, government servant, Gulf employee, real estate dealer or a thief, he had the luxury of remaining poor till now. He was a happy and contented man until a case landed him in court.

Mad was driving a bicycle on a day of this year when an imported car hit him from behind. By the time the police reached, the driver of the car had fled. So they decided to prosecute the bicycle rider who had opted to remain there till they arrived. Police did not try to implicate the driver of the expensive car as prosecuting him would have been 'costly'. They only met him once off the record to 'warn' him. But they told the court that they had failed to nab him.

People had laughed in the courtroom on the first day of the trial when they heard Mad's name. "I do not belong to any religion. My father, though poor, was enlightened and secular man. So he kept me three names from three major religions. But he never imagined that I would be called by the short form Mad." They had laughed louder.

"Your religion is not important here, but the offence you are charged with is," the judge had said.

The trial, which had taken only some days, came to an end when the judge pronounced the verdict as follows:

"And accordingly I pronounce Mahesh Ahmed David alias Mad, as guilty in the Unknown VS Bicycle Rider Case. It has been proved beyond any reasonable doubt that his bicycle hit an unidentified car on a famous road at known date and unknown time. Though there is no report that the driver of the car died in the accident, it can be safely assumed that he could have died if the impact was slightly greater. It is unfortunate that the hitherto accused, and now the convict, went with the sole intention of killing the car driver. A charge of 'income disproportionate to the known income' was included during the trial by the prosecution. At the time of accident, Mad was carrying Rs 500 in his pocket while his known income was only Rs 5,500 per month. When his salary was insufficient to look after himself, the court assumes that he has spent all the money he has earned. The Rs 500 he was carrying could be considered as amassed by illegal means. Holding such a big amount, that too as a cyclist, amounts to an offense under IT act and hence he is convicted in this case. I pronounce a sentence of two years imprisonment to Mad for the above mentioned two offenses."

Upon hearing the sentence, Mad did not cry as it was not a Hindi film. He only said, "Your honour may I ask you few questions though I am well aware that a convict cannot ask questions. I do not intend to go to higher courts with appeals and waste their time. I would rather ask the questions here."

The judge knew Mad would not be able to change the outcome of verdict by asking a few questions. There was also enough time for his lunch. So he allowed Mad to proceed with the questions.

"Your honour, the court says that the unidentified car driver could have died. But there is no evidence to prove that he died. I also could have died as I was on a bicycle. Why did the police fail to nab him?" Mad asked.

"Who the hell are you? Are you Salman Khan?" the judge retorted.

"Will I get parole during my imprisonment?"

"Are you Sanjay Dutt?"

"Why was only my one month’s salary taken into account when I have worked for many years. Even if you take only one month’s salary, I believe that Rs 500 is less than 10% of it, which is permissible under asset disproportionate case..."

"We would have used a different calculator if you were Jayalalitha. But you are not."

"I could have run out of the country. But I did not. I remained to face trial."

"You are not Dawood Ibrahim or Vijay Mallya anyway."

"I was not wearing any expensive watch nor was I driving any car worth crore rupees."

"I want to remind you that you are not Siddaramaiah or Yeddyurappa. Before you go on talking nonsense like this and force me to take the names of honourable people, I want to tell you that I can ask the prosecution to charge you with more offences. Do you know that you can be charged for contempt of court as you are arguing after the verdict has been delivered? That shows that you are not ready to accept the judgement."

"Not like that your honour. I did it after you allowed me to talk."

"But there is a limit. You should remember that you are a common man. You were arrested immediately after the offence was committed as you were not a religious head or a Minister. You do not have any privileges like the privileged people. Once you are charged, you are bound to be pronounced guilty as you cannot even afford a lawyer. If not you, then who can we convict? Do you not know that there are lacs of cases pending in the courts? Do you not understand that we also have targets like others? I cannot keep on acquitting all the time. Law is such a thing that it should be seen delivered. Law is beyond common man's comprehension. Do you know that?"

"Yes your honour, I know that the law is such that no common man can understand it completely. That's why the same case is interpreted differently in lower court, High Court and Supreme Court. Only law can be silly like this."

"Don’t you know that you are in a secular country and you need to have a name from one religion so that people can identify you easily during riots? How can uniform law, if enacted, be applied on you if your name is not in proper form? I can increase your sentence by one more year for giving the names from three religions to this court. You still want to talk?"

"No. Not because I am afraid but because it is of no use. You can even hang me if you want to. Who the hell am I?"

The police took Mad away towards prison. He was not seen laughing as most of these criminals do inside the court yard. There were some tears in his eyes which only innocent and good people could see.

 

Disclaimer: This is a humour article. All views expressed here are solely those of the author.

 

Richie Pais Archives:

 

 

By Richie John Pais

Comment on this article

  • Sharal , Mangaluru

    Mon, Aug 29 2016

    Beautiful article Richie. Lol.

    Agree

  • R.Bhandarkar, Mangaluru

    Thu, Aug 25 2016

    Hard hitting below the belt ,humor.
    Keep hitting Richie...

    Agree [3]

  • Rakesh S H, Dubai

    Tue, Aug 23 2016

    Beautiful news in jokes.

    Agree [5]

  • Dr Mohan Prabhu, LL.D,QC, mangalore/ottawa

    Mon, Aug 22 2016

    Very humorous report even though I doubt if that is what happened. If it did, then law is an ass and those who enforced it in this case, including the judge who dispensed the so-called justice, are assh.........

    Agree [8]

  • Donald Roche, Mangalore/Ruzai

    Sun, Aug 21 2016

    Enjoyed by reading RJP's humor.
    This reminds me few quotes. 1.Avoid law suits beyond all thing, they pervert your conscience, impair your health, and dissipate your property. By. Jean De Lo Bruyere.
    2. Lawyers are always more ready to get a man into troubles than out of them. By. William Goldsmith.
    3.Lawyers are men whom we hire to protect us from Lawyers. by Elbert Hubbard.

    Agree [21]

  • Rajesh, Mulky

    Sun, Aug 21 2016

    After many days of brushing aside this side of page because of hot news on the other side like Gau ,dharma and scandals today I read this short story.Kind of rejuvenating to the mind.Mild pun..enjoyed..

    Agree [7]

  • Sijyes, Valencia

    Sun, Aug 21 2016

    Good one RJP! Congrats.Keep writing.

    Agree [7]

  • Alwyn D'Mello, Mumbai

    Sun, Aug 21 2016

    Beautiful piece of article from Richie Pais. Keep writing

    Agree [6]

  • Santhan Rodrigues, Kuwait

    Sat, Aug 20 2016

    Indeed good humour story. lovely.

    Agree [6]

  • Preetham , Kirem - Sharjah

    Fri, Aug 19 2016

    Good one!
    Speaks volumes in limited words as usual.

    Agree [7]

  • Gladys Mudarth, Mangalore/Canada

    Fri, Aug 19 2016

    Good humor Richie. This can happen only on Indian roads and busy Indian courts.

    Agree [9]

  • geoffrey, hat hill

    Fri, Aug 19 2016

    Funny though, a true mirror held up to current state of affairs.

    Agree [13]

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